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Friday, March 6, 2009

You should really bring a coat

Can I just say that I am fed up with the cold weather? It's starting to seriously impact my life.

Yesterday was a busy day. I was at the school for a couple hours in the morning and the afternoon was scheduled to be an absolute zoo. I needed to pick up the girls from school, head straight to the rollerskating rink for a skating event with my Daisy Girl Scout troop, grab some dinner with the family, and then head downtown as a herd so that we could all watch two of my daughters perform in a production called Pieces of Gold.

The schedule was tight but doable as long as I stayed on schedule. Raise your hand if you think I was able to stay on schedule...Well, I guess you've gotten to know me better than I thought, but I have to say I'm a little disappointed that a few of you didn't have more confidence in me. And somebody needs to whack that guy in the front row upside the head. My posting gets long sometimes but there's no call for sleeping.

Back to the story...At our school if you want to pick your child up you have to wait in the carpool line. It's a long and complicated affair, but suffice it to say that if you are not lined up in your car 45 minutes prior to dismissal you will not get your child(ren) in a timely fashion. If you've got someplace you need to be? Forget it.

I managed to get to the school 15 minutes before dismissal so, clearly, the carpool line was not an option. Unfortunately, the carpool line clogs the only entry point into the school parking lot and there's no street parking. The design is stupidity incarnate.

So. What's a mom to do? Time to get creative. I pulled into the back parking lot where the buses pick up children. Parents aren't normally supposed to park back there, but the principal encouraged me to park back because I often volunteer towards the end of the day. Usually I'm there early enough that I don't run into an issue with the carpool line and I've never had a need to take him up on the offer. I quickly found a spot and dashed from the car, and I'm not kidding when I say that I dashed. It was cold yesterday, and I didn't have a coat. It isn't really that I forgot the coat, either. It's a snuggly 80 degrees in the car, the school is perpetually overheated, and it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to get into the school. Who needs to lug a stupid coat around, right?

I reached the back door in record time which is good news because I swear icicles had already started forming on the tip of my nose. The bad news is the door was locked. Fortunately there were four teachers just on the other side of the door. Unfortunately I motioned them to let me in and they mouthed through the glass that I needed to go around to the front. ((sigh))

It's 212 degrees below zero outside, I don't have on a coat, there's a perfectly good door staring me in the face, the school has a perimeter that I'm sure is close to a mile, and you want me to walk around to the front? Seriously? I'd consider it if they sent one of those Saint Bernard dogs with the whiskey flask tied around it's neck. At this point in the day, and with the prospect of a long evening ahead, whiskey shots were starting to sound appealing. But only in a medicinal capacity, of course.

I'm not proud of what I did next.

I made a desperate face and they cracked the door to hear my blathering. They were seriously not going to let me in! So I lied. I told them I left something in the first grade classroom and could they just let me in to grab it super-quick? It didn't work and it set into motion an entire chain of horrid events.

*They asked what I'd forgotten and told me they'd run and get it for me.

*I panicked. It must have been the fact that I was still standing out there freezing to death. My brain must have begun turning into a useless chunk of ice. Why else would I not just get down on my knees and beg for mercy?! In a fit of stupidity and desperation I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind -- my cell phone.

*The teacher went to find the cell phone. I knew she wouldn't find it, because it was perched happily in my hand bag. Right where it should be. Now she's got the teacher involved (we'll call her Mrs. SP -- short for sweetie-pie), and Mrs. SP is all concerned, and I feel like a giant jerk. How did I get myself into this horrible mess anyway?! This is why I don't lie. It ticks off the universe and, well, nothing productive ever happens afterwards. At this point I realize that a giant cosmic bullseye is painted on my butt. I'm just waiting for the arrow to find it.

*I'm now hopping around like a fool trying to keep from turning into a human ice sculpture. Mrs. SP tells the other teachers to let me in already and she tells me to come into the classroom and we'll use her phone to call my phone to see if we can find it. ACK! I am so busted. This is bad. I wonder if volunteers can get fired? This is definitely grounds for dismissal.

*Fortunately I was the one that got to dial the cell phone number into the teacher's phone and I conveniently dialed the wrong number.

*I then had to run to all the places I'd been in the school that day "pretending" to look for the cell phone so that I would look legit. By the time the whole charade had played out and I'd collected the kids we were late, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place.

If only I'd worn a coat, I would've sprinted to the front and the story would've ended there.

Spring, where are you?

Author's note: I know the coat was not the problem. I am not in the habit of lying. This is going to provide a great story/lesson to my kids (when they're a little older and not interacting with Mrs. SP on a daily basis. At this point I don't think there's any point in admitting that I'm a lying bonehead) about everything from procrastinating to being on time to telling the truth and, of course, wearing the appropriate outerwear for inclement weather.


Anonymous said...


Wow that's a good fish tale! And you stuck with it too! Hahaha!

Megryansmom said...

Oops! I thought stuff like that only happened to me.

Happy FRIDAY!!!

ck said...

yeeeeeeah. I'm about that good a lying too.

Debbie said...

I can't believe they didn't let you in! And I am so over winter too.

Anonymous said...

Liar liar panta on fire. That might have helped. Love MOM

Gibby said...

I would have DIED when the teacher offered to call your cell phone! That is the best!!! Well, hey, it made for some great writing, right? :)

Sturgmom said...

That's hilarious!! I honestly can't belive those teachers didn't let you in. I know there's a security thing and all, but really. It's not like they don't recognize you!

What a tangled web we weave... :p

daisigirl said...

Now, now, that what we get for lying! :) My kids and I were very amused with your story. You are so funny! About my apron... I do wear it some but it doesn't fit me as well as I would like. I ordered a new one that is a little different style that may fit better. I was thinking about the Spring Fling and I may give this one away for that.

kristi said...

Hi! I just found your blog! Hilarious!! I'll now be a "follower".

Carina Gardner said...

Where in the world are you that the weather is 212 desgrees below zero, lol! Made me laugh! But I totally agree...go away bad weather!

Susie said...

Wow!! What were they protecting behind Door #1? the damned door!!

4riddles said...

I think every mom is entitled to one or two "convenience" fibs. (I won't call them lies because I tell my girls that lying is the worst thing they can do!)
I wouldn't be able to post a story like this since my daughter's first grade teacher has a link to our blog. (I guess I better always use the front door at their school!)
Too Funny!

D said...

Wow! That's hysterical. Thank god your phone didn't ring on it's own. Quick thinking though.

I'm impressed.

Reminds me of the time I got busted forging my mother's signature on a progress report in 7th grade. Teacher called me to her desk after class, pointed to the forgery and asked if that was my mother's signature. I caved and said NO. Even though my Mom knew I was going to sign it. I told her ahead of time because I just forgot to bring it home and she would have covered for me.

Anonymous said...

You get style points from me.

Good try.

Kristina P. said...

You are too funny! And spring does not mean warm. I know from experience.

Minxy Mimi said...

Oh my!!! I am glad you were not busted. Lesson Learned!

Anonymous said...

Great post! What else does a girl got to do? Really, they should have let you in especially when there was a t least one teacher that knew you.

Nana said...

Now, if that would have been me my phone would have started ringing right in the middle of all that mess.

I am not a good liar either. I am surprised you thought of your phone that quickly.

I still don't understand, the whole not letting you in the door in the first place.

Mary K Brennan said...

The truth is Kathy B., you can get fired from a volunteer job. Just ask my PTA. (A story I will share someday). Until then, I'll hold this blog close to my heart. It's hysterical.

ScoMan said...

I can't get away with lying either, so I've given up on trying.

People will always ask a logical question which puts holes all through my lie, and I wind up looking like a fool.

forever folding laundry said...

Could you imagine if you'd been busted? You might have been banned from PTA forever! Oh how horrible that would be.... ;)

Juls said...

OH MY!!!! That's so something that would happen to me...


Anonymous said...

Never in a million years would I have guessed they'd still keep you standing out there while they hunted for your non-missing cell phone. What is the big problem with letting you in?

It had to be the lie. Karma bit you in the ice cold butt immediately. Lesson learned. ;)

Helene said...

I can't believe they wouldn't just let you in...did they NOT know how cold it was outside??? Goodness!!!!

I feel bad for laughing as I read this post but I love the way you tell the stories of the things that happen in your every day life. You have such a great way of putting a humorous spin on everything, even while becoming a human popsicle.

Sapphire said...

Kathy B!!!That is hilarious!!! Why didn't they just let you in!!! Good grief!! Thank God you didn't get busted!!! I couldn't have come clean either....I would have felt so stupid and if your school is anything like the school I used to teach in, you would have never lived it down.
Sidenote: Does it bother you to have to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your blogposts? I thought about putting one on my big butts post that said something to the effect of...I know now that a healthy self image doesn't depend on whether silly teenage boys try to feel me up, blah, blah, blah, but then I thought, nah.
Anyhoo, great story!

tlc said...

Oh, my that was some funny reading! I laughed out loud at their request to call your phone. Priceless.

Becca said...

This is too funny. That right there is the reason I never lie. Every time I try to things like that happen to me. You did a great job covering it up! How funny. Thanks for another laugh!


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