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Friday, March 27, 2009

Does this stuff happen to anyone else?

My husband has been out of town quite a bit lately. I'm not usually jumpy at night by myself, but lately... for some reason I've started double-checking the locks and making sure the alarm is set.

The other night was completely un-remarkable. I went to bed and was snuggled down under my cozy blankets in a deep, restful sleep... until I wasn't. I awoke slowly with the vague feeling that someone had been caressing my cheek. I smiled groggily for a moment until I remembered my husband wasn't home. And when the kids come into my room at night they're scared and their frantic footfalls sound like a herd of wildebeests stampeding across the hardwood floors. I instantly came fully awake as my neck began to tingle with that prickly feeling that someone was watching me.

I lay still as a corpse as I willed my eyes to adjust to the cold, inky darkness surrounding me. My bed no longer felt warm and safe, rather, I suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed. My mind began to race... why hadn't the alarm sounded... am I dreaming... if I'm dreaming then why do I have this oily, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...

As my eyes slowly grew accustomed to the darkness I could see movement across the room by the armoire. My breath froze in my throat and my blood turned to ice as my senses exploded with the acute awareness of every sound around me: the thundering of my heart, the soft whoosh as the heater turned itself off, the change of my breathing as I willed myself to be calm, and the slight rustle as the form by the armoire shifted.

My thoughts were being spun by the panic that I could feel overtaking me. My mind flitted through options... the kids... dial 911... the alarm... the kids... And then, before I was even aware that I'd made a decision, I was ripping the blankets aside. I threw myself out of the bed and rolled across the floor in my best Jack Bauer impersonation. I scrambled to the alarm key pad, hit the light switch, spun to face the intruder, and simultaneously pressed my back into the panic button for all I was worth.

As the bright light assaulted my eyes I kept pressing spastically against the panic button as new waves of fear overcame me, but there was no alarm.

And then, I looked into the face of my intruder.





Seriously. And I'm not referring to the the dead plant and the pile o' crap. Nope, it's the balloons. The kids had tied air-filled balloons to a helium-filled balloon and were experimenting to see just how many air-balloons the helium balloon could "carry."

Last time I saw this tangled mess of balloons it was upstairs in the hallway. I'm guessing that the heater kicking on as a result of the cooler weather (remember I said I could hear the heater click off) somehow created a current and enabled the balloons to travel downstairs and into my room?! It must have been the ribbons caressing my face...

God, I'm an idiot! Thank goodness I was grinding my back into the wrong side of the alarm keypad. Can you imagine if I'd set off the alarm?! That would've called for a two-part blog for sure!!

This colossal example of stupidity is why I had an extra glass of wine

there was no post yesterday.

I spent the day recovering.

52 comments:

Susie said...

How terrifying!! It must have been a huge relief to see that it was just the balloons. At least now you know what you would do in that situation. Perhaps it is a metaphoric and literal wakeup call?

Cassie said...

HeHeHeHeHeHe. This made me laugh so *F'ing* hard my side are hurting. Thanks for starting my Friday off with a laugh :-D

tlc said...

There's no doubt in my mind that I would have done the same thing. How funny!

p.s. I LOVE your crown molding!

Tsquared417 said...

That just may be the funniest story I've ever heard...but I'm sure you were terrified!! Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Bad ballons. Love MOM
Hi to Gibby.

Gibby said...

OMG, that is hysterical, but I could literally feel your panic. Totally something I would do. (Is it bad that I would have loved to hear the post had you really set off the panic button??) Let me guess...you didn't get back to sleep after that?

Hello Anon Mom! I hope you have a good weekend! I love that somehow I manage to comment right after you...

P.S. KB: I sent you an email, sorry I took so long to respond.

ymK said...

aahh I hate balloons! I can totally understand how they could have scared you. They have the potential.

I hope you have recovered now.

Juls said...

...hee hee...that's crazeeness. I gave you the lemonade award on my blog.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I would have reacted the exact same way - and if we had an alarm keypad, I most likely would have set off the alarm and had to explain myself and the intruding balloons to the authorities... :)

Ann's Rants said...

Holy Crap. No one needs a shot of adrenyline (sp?) like that in the middle of the night.

When my husband travels I experience that heightened-state of alert. I hate that. I've had a couple times when I SWEAR someone whispered my name, and I've sat straight up in bed.

Anyway. Thanks for being such an enthusiastic new bloggy-buddy! Your blog is great and I really appreciate your kind words!

Ann

D said...

I'm glad it was just a false alarm. That was frightening just to read. I'm glad you're alright.

Kate said...

That is so awful. I have been there. It is the worst feeling in the world. I am glad that it wasn't anything really. Have a super weekend.

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! In retrospect - terrible in the middle of the night.

Oh - how our minds can trick us .. either that or it was the wine!

4riddles said...

You taught me about Google Reader and this came through yesterday and broke off at "And then, I looked into the face of my intruder."
It was like watching a movie and the DVD stopping at the climax. My mind was racing to figure out what it was.
But so worth hearing it was BALLOONS. :)
I give kuddos to women who have husbands that have to travel. I freak out when my husband is gone one night for "boy trips". The TV stays on all night just so I don't hear those "noises" and it gives the encessary light to see creepy things.

Lana said...

"sugartits" is Shannon. :)

Oh my goodness. I would have died. I had a somewhat similar experience once. I fell asleep on my couch and my cat jumped on me, right onto my stomach. I froze momentarily because I didn't realize where I was. I then unintentionally chucked her across the room. I could be a ninja...

Kristen said...

Kathy-
I am giving you the Kreativ blogger award! It is over on my blog! I love your blog!! :)

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! No way! You've got to be joking, that is just classic and hilarious and totally something i would do except not. lol

Dude, you tell quite a story, I was scared for you here, safe in my office at work!

And I think it's time you got a gaurd dog.

The Blonde Duck said...

I'm sorry. But I giggled. :)

Ink said...

Oh, that must've been SCARY! Hugs!

K said...

I go crazy whenever my husband is out of town.

I'm normally fairly sane, but I start hearing all kinds of noises and freaking myself out.

Have a great weekend (and I've added you to my blog list because I love reading your stuff.)

Jenny Penny said...

Well, first of all, helium balloons are the devil's handiwork. I have always hated them, and your blog is further reason why they must die. Second, that would have scared the bejesus out of me. Third, I love that you tried to hit the panic button with your back, as the only image I can get of that in my mind is of you rolling one shoulder backward, over and over, looking all the while like a flirtatious dancer in the musical Chicago. Would've totally confused an intruder had the intruder been real. Glad it was just a bunch of balloons!

countryfriedmama said...

I saw this post in my Reader before I saw it here, but it cut off after the cliffhanger. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the ending! So glad to finally learn you survived the scary balloons. :-)

Nocturnal Queen said...

Ha! That's funny.

As you may or may not remember, my dh has been gone for a few months now. That alone is enough to make me a little nervous about being alone at night. Add to it though the fact that the house three doors down got broken into the day before yesterday (during the day) and I'm even more nervous. I've been having a hard time going to sleep.

Last night, shortly after I'd dozed off, I heard a thump and awoke with a start. I laid still listening until I realized that one of the cats had jumped on top of the washer. Whew!

holidayfun said...

Somehow I see you doing this. As for the title of your blog -------

This stuff ONLY happens to you.

Sorry.

blueviolet said...

That happened to me once too (minus the alarm) and it's terrifying!

evenshine said...

This has totally happened to me, my daughter, AND my husband. Old helium balloons are the devil incarnate.
But I can TOTALLY imagine your Jack Bauer impression.
Tee-hee.

WhisperingWriter said...

This actually happened to me before. One of my son's balloons had traveled to my room and scared the ever loving MESS out of me. I tossed my pillow at it and when I heard the crunching sound as the pillow hit the balloon I realized it wasn't a person in the house after all. Oops.

Rachel said...

OMG. I was scared just reading this! I'm always thrilled to have my husband gone for the night and the whole evening and TV to myself. Until it's very late. And dark. Then, I become convinced there are prowlers outside every window.

I hope you popped those balloons!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Jeez... I would have started hyper-ventilating and absolutely lost it. I' still be recovering a month from now! No more balloons, okay?

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Yaya said...

Hahahaha! That is hilarious!

And you have great writing!

Daisigirl said...

Have you learned nothing from Dirty Harry! You should have had a shot gun under the bed and blasted that dang Mylar to smithereens! :0) Actually, I have had this happen before and it is so frightening! Sorry!

Femin Susan said...

Hahaha..

Debbie said...

That would have scared me to death. Seriously. I'm shaking just thinking about it.

bernthis said...

okay, I''m off the floor where I fell down laughing as I read this. Sorry but that is so hilarious and the thought of what would have happened had you called 911..too funny

The Rambler said...

Holy crap! That was a great post!!

Thanks so much for visiting me on my SITS day :)

Fiona said...

LMAO that rocks! I'm glad you have recovered though!

Fiona said...

BTW, pop over to my bloggy, I mentioned you today.

http://www.banteringblonde.com

zelzee said...

I'm not one to get spooked, but I gotta tell you......caresses on my face in the middle of the night.......
I would have been so frightened, I don't know if I would have been able to jump out of bed!

Luckily, we don't seem to have much of a problem with home invasion balloons in this part of the country!

Michele said...

I almost don't want to post because you have so many comments! How can you find time to read and respond??

I just wanted to say you have a real gift for descriptive writing. You always manage to strike just the right combination of words to convey the precise, exact play of emotions. I, too, have been awakened with a start and lain there, frozen. But I don't think I could ever put it into words as well as you do. You described it so well that I felt it happened to me.

We had a birthday balloon that made it up a staircase, down a hall, and up another staircase into my boys' attic bedroom, where it startled the poop out of them.

Renee said...

did you at least pop them in the end for causing such grief??? As the blog first started I thought her guardians are watching over her and now I am thinking what a cruel and dirty trick they played...lol Seriously though glad it was just stinkin balloons.

Becca said...

I am laughing so hard KathyB. Not at you of course but because I do stuff like this all of the time. I hear things, I see things and I flip out. On the weekends my husband has a second job waiting tables. He gets home around 1am and spend most nights worried. I do not have an alarm but I spend evenings worried that something will get me. I think it is nice to know that you are a shadow over reactor too!

Becca

Please visit me at http://www.askbecca.com

Vodka Mom said...

that was funny! I do that TOO!!

then I laugh at myself!!

San Diego Farmgirl said...

I remember when those darn things first came out, and you'd stick weighted stickers to them so they'd float around the room. Anybody else remember that? Well, I realize now why that fad didn't last long! LOL

Zeemaid said...

omg, I laughed so hard Kathy! That is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to me. I'll have to tell you one time about the night we searched the entire house for an intruder with my husband holding a one of those wooden ride on ponies and my finger on the last 1 of 911.

Too bad I didn't know about blogging then. *L*

Minxy Mimi said...

OMG!!! I am sorry the balloons scared you, I think all balloons are inherently evil. They almost make me pray for deliverance! LOL
Glad you are well.

Helene said...

Oh man, very scary!!!! Darn balloons! Could you imagine if one had popped right next to your face before you had a chance to get out of bed? Oooooh, I shudder at the thought.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

That would have FREAKED. ME. OUT.

One time, when my husband was out of town, I called the sheriff and told him there were people running around on my roof at 10pm. They send a squad car, with full lights and sirens, to investigate.

Guess what? Peacocks running on the roof sound JUST LIKE people.

Shawn said...

OMG! I would have had to change the sheets also...cause I probably would have peed in them!

Hilariously Yikesy..ya know what I mean? ;o)

sunnymom said...

This has actually happened to me too. The balloon was in the livingroom and hanging about face height. I walked into and then punched it. I felt stupid when I realized I was trying to kick the crap out of a balloon

faemom said...

I would have done the same thing, which is why I refuse to consider to have a gun in the house hold.

Meg said...

Holy cow! How did I miss this post?

First of all...this is why I don't own a gun. I'd have shot the armoire.

I live on the first floor. A large truck going down Hillsborough St will make my windows rattle, which makes me think one of my homeless neighbors is trying to come in.

One night I woke up feeling like someone was watching me. Seriously, I was terrified. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around, expecting to see a Hannibel Lecter wanna-be. My cat was sitting next to me, staring at me. Just sitting and staring. It was so creepy.

Seriously, why I don't own a gun.

Jennifer said...

Great post! I live in the country and if I am alone at night, not often but every once in a great while I will get creeped out by it. Usually if I hear of break-ins in the area or something.