Come play in my world for awhile!

Monday, March 30, 2009

This is how it goes

Mile 1
Mile 120

Child: I have to go po-tty!
Mom: Seriously. We've been gone less than two hours.

Mile 136

Child: I'm getting tired of watching movies
Mom: Great. The next 650 miles should be a piece of cake.

Mile 259
Child: I have to go po-tty!
Mom: I now dub you princess-pees-a-lot


Mile 308

Child: (melting down and creating a complete and utterly ridiculous spectacle of herself)
Mom: Is it wrong that this is funny?


Mile 329

Child: Are we almost there?
Mom: As I click on the portable GPS so that I might give an exact description of just... how... far... we are... from our destination I realize that, in addition to being gorgeous and sexy a tad jello-y, my thighs have the kryptonite-like power to block satellite signals. The GPS works on the dashboard... sitting on my feet... resting on my knees... but perched on my thighs...NOTHING. It's like the ultimate dead-zone. Decide not to spend anymore time thinking about what exactly this says about the density of my thighs or the general state of my hotness.

Mile 342

Princess-pees-a-lot: I have to go po-tty!
Mom: (escorts children into a restroom that makes filthy sound appealing)

I won't bore you with the intricate details. Suffice it to say that one of my daughters learned a valuable lesson. When using horrific public facilities you should never sit on the seat and, if you do, you never, ever push let your pants fall down around your ankles so that they rest on the floor. EVER. Enough said.
Mile 365

Child: Mo-om.... I'm hungry
Mom: Roll eyes. Remind child that we just ate a little over an hour ago. Do mental calculation of food consumed. Realize I've officially crammed enough crap down my throat to meet my caloric needs for a 48 hour period. At least. And we still have 400 miles to go.

Mile 391

Anonymous child: Unleashes toxic gas cloud that has mom riding with her head hanging out the window like a deranged Golden Retriever, and nearly forces dad to drive off the road.
Mom: Surely a wild animal climbed into the car at the last potty stop because there is no way that smell could have come from a human.

Mile 400
Child: Are we there yet?
Mom: Realize that we are existing in an alternate space/time continuum where life moves in slooooow mooootion.

Mile 430

Anonymous child: Releases another cloud of noxious gas.
Mom: Knows the drill and gets the windows down faster this time. Dad is able to stay in the proper lane of traffic. Makes note to call National Security Agency to have daughter classified as a biological weapon. She could have flushed Osama bin Laden out of the mountains of Afghanistan in a week with this stuff.
Mile 447

Princess-pees-a-lot: I have to go po-tty!
Mom: Laughs wickedly. Sure, why not! Let's pull over again. At this rate we'll get down there just in time to turn around and drive home. Vow to call Guinness Book of World Records to see if daughter qualifies for inclusion under the category of world's smallest smallest bladder.

Mile 566

Dad: We need to stop for gas. Anybody have to go potty?
All: YES!
(Enter another bathroom of questionable cleanliness)

Repeat the exact same lesson learned at Mile 342 with the other twin. And no, I'm not kidding. And yes, I wish I was. Follow this lesson with an advanced lesson on toilet flushing without touching anything. And almost lose my flip-flop in the toilet in the process.

Mile 623

Princess-pees-a-lot: Hey, mommy? I actually don't have to go to the bathroom.
Mom: (sighs with sadness) At the rate we were going we could have peed in every county from North Carolina to Florida... I had been fantasizing about the fame and notoriety that would have come with such achievement. If only we hadn't taken away all liquids after that last potty stop.... Realize that I'm losing it for real this time, and slip into a catatonic state.
Mile 764



Mile 767

We made a wrong turn at mile 767. Do you think we eventually made it? Or are we still driving around.... Tune in next time....

42 comments:

Cassie said...

Glad that I only have one child since she could give your girls a run for the worlds tiniest bladder. Hope you guys have a great deferral. :-D

for a different kind of girl said...

I always find that the laughter that parents break out with on these kinds of road trips is a really uncomfortable, nervous laugh that sometimes borders on the crazy. Or maybe that's me?!

The fun part rests in getting to do it all again on the way back!

Mama Wheaton said...

Oh yeah family road trips. They say that these are the memories we remember but I'd rather forget, oh wait I do because I keep doing it!

WhisperingWriter said...

This is why we fly instead of drive.

My kids would do the same thing. And my son has ADHD which means he's rarely quiet. And my daughter gets offended if someone isn't entertaining her.

So yeah. We fly. Which isn't always smooth either. I'm sure other flight passengers just LOVE us. Tommy just tells people who comment on his energy: "I have ADHD! It means I never sit and that I fart a lot!" Yeah, I've had to re-explain ADHD to him. (Though what he said is basically true..I know what you mean about the noxious gas thing..)

Sistah Shawn said...

Oh, Kathy. I feel your pain. I really really do.

tlc said...

sounds like you could use a vacation...

Gibby said...

I feel your pain, too. I felt like I was in the car with you, even for the noxious gas part. Not a good thing. The pics of the kids are awesome! Here's hoping you got there...

Hello Anon Mom-did you hide out in a suitcase and join them on this fun trip?

Riddle Girl said...

The pictures were great. I can relate to the "looks". They are so excited to start and then the reality of the drive sets in.

Public bathrooms ALMOST make you want to bring a "camping" potty along for the ride.

Thanks for the advice. We will take NO liquids with us on our "deferral" in September.

Kristina P. said...

That is A LOT of miles!! Kudos to you!

Daisigirl said...

Oh, I wish I was on the road trip too!! I have got to send my sister a link to this post. She has four girls and takes lots of road trips. She will get such a kick out of this! :0)

Rachel said...

Oh god. I hope you made it. Thanks for warning me what I'm in for this weekend. I'll have to remember not to place the GPS on my lap. Or my belly, or my bosom.

The trip home should be even better! Good luck!

CynthiaK said...

This is great. I can brace myself for what's in store for our own road trip this summer with the kids.

Now that you've made it (we think?) the fun starts, right?!

Tsquared417 said...

You are right...this is totally a deferral not a vaca! Hang in there and I hope now that you've arrived you will start having fun!

Mary K Brennan said...

Just got done our 1000 mile+ trip. Luckily the movies are still working for me, but the pee breaks are ridiculous. From toilets that don't flush to caution tape across stalls, it's never ending. I seriously thought I would find a chalk outline in one. Although that may have provided some good blackmail for the kids.

K said...

I'm still impressed you're attempting it.

Road tripping with one toddler is almost more than I can handle.

The Blonde Duck said...

Oh my God. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. And I'm fed-exing you a pie, hamburgers, bbq...hell, I'll just come rescue you!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

we are leaving for our get away on thursday luckily only have one child going with so we better not have a prince pee-alot or Im going to scream!!!!! heheheh

sunnymom said...

I think your daughter has competition on potty breaks with Tooters. She will even offer to go on the side of the road if we are nowhere near a bathroom. I learned a long time ago to always carry snacks for her since she never stops eating. It is like having a teenage boy in the house

parentingBYdummies said...

A-W-E-S-O-M-E! I have no idea where you or going or when you will get there, but I hope you make it. And, you have effectively ensured that my dudes will be going no further than Mimi's house for the next four summers at least.

resplendentlife said...

Hilarious!!! I definitely feel your pain. We take a lot of road trips, but this is why we leave around midnight or so. If it is an 8 hour trip, we arrive just in time to stop for breakfast. It's painful, but if we can just make it to nap time (my kids are small), then we are ok. By Day 2, we are back in the swing of things.
Good luck. Can't wait to read more about your trip!

Megryansmom said...

Is there another choice or only those two? I'll tune in tomorrow.

zelzee said...

Are you out of your mind?

Anonymous said...

At least the kids aren`t barfy like you 2 use to be... Love MOM Hello to Gibby. Spent the weekend playing dup. bridge.

faemom said...

Sometimes it feels like you should have bit the bullet and got plane tickets . . . at least you wouldn't have to pay for all those expensive brain pills.

ScoMan said...

The family vacation (deferral) is always an interesting adventure.

I love the nickname "Princess pees a lot".. I think one of the bullies at my primary school gave me the same nickname.

Alice said...

When I was growing up and going anywhere with my parents, my dad would refuse to stop. It didn't fit into his schedule. He thought we should be able to wait until his schedule had a stop. So, with two girls and a boy, he eventually did have to stop. Most of the time I remember peeing on the side of the road. one time he tried to get my little brother to pee into a pop bottle (yes pop used to come in class bottles). I swore I would never do these things to my kids and I haven't yet. I guess my names would be queen pees a lot.
Loved your article

Grand Pooba said...

lol! I have one of those in my family too! We could never go on a road trip without making a pee stop every hour, sometime half hour...hey, you can find my lil sis here:

http://lllorr.blogspot.com/

Renee said...

my princess pees a lot and yours could have a contest. I think anytime mine sees a gas station or side of the road rest stop she has to go! There are times while we are going the kids will actually fall asleep and it has been hours since our stop that my husband or I have to go but decide is it worth stopping and risking waking her or keep traveling? It is sometimes a tough decision..lol

peewee said...

yyyaahhhh...makes me VERY excited to start my cross country trip from LA to NY. Bleh.

Where u going anyway?

Jen said...

I think that you made it. WiFi doesn't work to well in the car. You are just too funny and totally cracking me up.

Oh and no worries about the clothes thing. I really appreciate the thought.

Minxy Mimi said...

OMG, I am on the edge of my seat here... did they make it? Did they lose a flip flog in some murky water? Did they pee every 15 miles??? Tell me!

Juls said...

You made it...are having a blast...and all kids are acting like perfect little angels....

Oh wait, that's a dream I had last week about our children...
Hopin' you made it..hoping your having a blast...and hoping you won't spare any details! :-) Oh yeah, and I'm certain all children are being angels!

Ink said...

That's so funny (and the pics are so great). ;)

Jonny's Mommy said...

My family used to go to N.C. from Pennsylvania every Christmas. Ah...what an adventure. Sounds so much like this...

Hilarious and the photos really do add to it! Love the faces in the last one!

blueviolet said...

I feel and relate to your pain.

You know the last time we did the Florida road trip, I actually gained weight on vacation because all you can do in the car is eat due to complete and utter boredom. I normally lose weight on vacation. Hmmmph.

BarbaraJean said...

This has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! My daughter, the ungourmet sent me to your site. She, of course was one of "kids". One time, while driving, I tried to divert her and her sisters attention from eachother by playing "monkeys always look" and consequently drove off the road and into a ditch leaving the car undriveable... no one hurt. Enough said.

Louise said...

Yup sounds like my daughter. She usually has to go 20 minutes after we've passed the gas station.

D said...

Wow. Realizing for the first time that you have 4 GIRLS. Wow. We had three in my family I can't image having 4, but you can.... Wow. No wonder you have so many great stories to tell.

Hope you got there okay.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Great post! I nearly died laughing.

Did you notice that something has been missing from your blog? It might have appeared around the time I stopped commenting? I’m sorry about all that. I took a little hiatus from the blogosphere, but I couldn’t stay away too long. After a break, I had to come by again and see what you’ve been up to.

Glad that I did.

-Francesca

PS: Thanks for the birthday love!

Meg said...

Is that four girls I see? Oh man, that's a lot of Hannah Montana. Godspeed, my friend.

The Rambler said...

Toxic gas cloud had me laughing soooooo hard!!

LadyFi said...

OMG - hilarious! And horrifying about the horrible-ness of public toilets!