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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The birds and the bees

It's a momentous time in the world according to me. This week my daughter begins the "health education" unit at school and that is code for sex education.

Just saying those two words, sex education, is enough to make me dizzy. There is no way my sweet little girl can be old enough.

I know that this is an enormous step in growing up and I'm not ready for it on so many levels. I think the primary force of resistance, though, is not wanting to let her go. Not wanting to crack open the door through which she will eventually walk towards a life on her own.

Do you ever wish you could freeze time?

This is me standing at the edge of the precipice and staring into the abyss that is the teenage years. It looks scary.

Fortunately I still have some control over the portion of my brain that allows me to act reasonably when faced with one of my daughters learning about SEX. I decided that it would be wise to give my daughter "the talk" at home rather than hearing it for the first time at school. Call me naive but I am convinced she's blissfully uninformed when it comes to the raging hormones, boy lust, PMS, mood swings, cramps, bloating puberty.

If she is as unaware as I suspect, can you imagine her surprise as she sits in the classroom while the guidance counselor methodically explains just exactly how that baby came to be in your mom's tummy? In my imagination it goes like this:


I see a diagram. There's always a visual.
All the better to sear it into your brain.








I see my daughter's shocked face as the horror
of reality permeates her mind.






And then I see her falling out of her chair,
passed out cold on the floor



But what if she knows more than I think? We have a close relationship. I'd know... right?! I finally stopped wandering in mental circles and just came right out and asked, and apparently they are talking about boys. ((What?!)) She said that some of the things being said were ((gasp)) a little inappropriate and I braced myself to hear what came next:

"Well, mom... some of the girls have been talking about boys. Fiona says there's a boy at the bus stop that is h-o-t, HOT. She talked about him all the time last week. It was so annoying. We finally told her, enough, he's just a boy."

The boy part was said with complete and utter disdain.

She had nothing else to add.

Wow.

I think I've got some explaining to do.

33 comments:

ck said...

...and something tells me they will be fabulously funny posts. Because, after all, it's all about us. Right?

K said...

Sex education.

Holy cow (nice picture by the way).

Good luck. Please let us know how this all turns out.

Minxy Mimi said...

Oh Boy!!! Love the pics, so funny!
Well, its good to know she is unaware, but more work for you, and embarrassing work too. Good Luck! Glad it isn't me yet! LOL

Gibby said...

I just fell out of my chair like your pic, laughing hysterically. This is so funny! GOOD LUCK. I am glad I have a few years til I get here (or maybe not, who knows). Can't wait to hear how the talk goes. And if all else fails, don't forget Chuckles' explanation of the birds and the bees. You can always fall back on that one.

Carina Gardner said...

You have it right on! The picture of the Bull, screaming face, and chair...rock out!!! So hilarious!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

First time to your blog...great post...I survived two going thru it and have one left!!! Loved the pics you posted with your posted too funny!!!!

forever folding laundry said...

Oh, I am really not ready for that. And I'm not sure I ever will be??

I do love what your daughter said, though. He's "just a boy" - perfect! If only they would always feel that way!

~Keri

Kristina P. said...

Oh, sex ed. Loved growing up in California for sex ed, and am so happy I wasn't in Utah.

evenshine said...

WOW is right. Good luck with all that, but should make for some great reading! I'll be picking myself up off the floor, like that last pic.

Cassie said...

It may feel uncomforrtable and weird to have the talk with her, but I applaud you for not leaving it up to the school system and her girlfreinds to equip her with this info. Miss Megan and I have already had several talks on the subject. I went with the a little at a time approach. So now at almost 12 she knows it all. But it wasn't as overwhelming as having one big talk. The funniest one ever was when we talked about breast feeding. She was horrified to find out that she was breast fed. So the parts I thought would be the most shocking and hardest to talk about paled in comparision to knowing that she was breast fed. Go figure. Good Luck :-D

Yaya said...

Gotta love the innocence in that!

Thanks for stopping by my blog! ;)

NicoleB said...

Grin, that must be -uh - fun to do the explaining part :)
Oh innocence *Boys* uttered with disdain :)
Grin :)

Michele said...

The accompanying pictures are hilarious!

Re: that toddler that was left outside, your description of "that horrible, heavy, sick feeling" is right on target. What was worse for "that mom" was that she is usually hyper-paranoid about all the children's whereabouts, especially the 2yo twins.

Juls said...

I'm so disappointed that I can't hang out and read your blog right now, because it's time to pick the kids up from school...darn kids! Anyhoo, I'll be back later tonight...to check this out, it looks interesting. And FYI! I appreciate your non-contest induced following ;-)! YOU ROCK!
X5 entries kind of a rockin'

countryfriedmama said...

Oh, my, I can't imagine. When it's our turn, I think I will have to do this behind my husband's back. He is convinced we can shield the girls from boys and S-E-X until they're 30.

ScoMan said...

Ah yes, sex education. Giggling as the teacher says dirty words. I remember it well.

Seeker said...

Oh Kathy...there is so much more to tell. gonna really be looking forward to your next few months of blogs. They are gonna be "HOT"...LOL

and Thanks for the being there with those answers for me. I needed the insight. Have you ever heard of paper dresses? Maybe i can use some for that....ya think???

tlc said...

This is my first visit to your blog. I loved and hated reading this at the same time. My oldest is only three...not even remotely something I want to think about! You said "Do you ever wish you could freeze time?" Yes, I do! Great post, look forward to the sequels. Best of luck to you.

Cairo Typ0 said...

Hey i just saw your msg on my blog. Changed? What are you talking about? *puzzled*

Cairo Typ0 said...

I've been without internet all day until now and was afraid i had done something or someone had hacked me and wreaking havok on the blogosphere as me. LOL ***hugs*** :)

Tina said...

Wow is right. My oldest will be 9 on Thursday and I'm so not looking forward to that talk...which I'm sure it coming sooner than I want it to. I look at her sweet face and just can't imagine that she's old enough to know about these things! Good luck with THE talk!

Susie said...

I felt the same way with my oldest. There will be many more conversations like this to come. Enjoy every one of them:-) It's a wild ride through high school.

Mary K Brennan said...

Tell her at home! I say this from experience when my own mother forgot to mention where babies actually come from. Yes, my jaw hit the floor. And then I had to act cool because apparently everyone elses mother had told them. Oh God, it still feels like yesterday, only now I'm laughing hysterically. Good Luck.
P.S.- Stop by to pick up your award!

The Blonde Duck said...

I'm so glad she thinks that being hot is inappropriate! I was bracing myself!

Nana said...

Hmmmm. You do have a lot of explaining to do. I don't envy you.
Been there done that!

I did attend a Sexual Behavior Class with my husband while attending college.

One night after I had been shocked at the conversation. My hubby turned to me and whispered...

Tami, close your mouth. I guess I was just sitting there w/ my mouth gaping wide open and didn't even realize it.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

I don't even want to think about Sex Education for my daughter. Agh! The horror. Please blog about any helpful tips you come across. :) I have a few more years to prepare myself.

-Kacey

Nocturnal Queen said...

My son will be 12 soon and we haven't had "the talk" yet. (I have explained changes his body will go through.) I've been waiting for him to start asking questions, but he hasn't. I don't know when to tell him and I don't know if the school here teaches it or not. I would leave it up to my husband, but he's not around much.

My daughter (9 years old) is in the early stages of puberty, so I explained that to her. But no sex talk.

I don't know how on earth I'm going to explain sex to them. It's so adult. Eek!

Lora said...

Ohhhh dear. I don't envy you in the next few months...

faemom said...

First off, I love that she disdains boys; let's hope she keeps it up well into college when they begin to mature a bit.

Second, I can't help but remember when they passed out those permission slips, and my mom read hers at the school, so that we could swing by the library to pick up books so she can explain it to me at home first too. If I could have crawled under a rock as my mom asked the librarian where the books were, I would have. I got her back though, for many years my parents thought I would be the next Dr. Ruth.

faemom said...

First off, I love that she disdains boys; let's hope she keeps it up well into college when they begin to mature a bit.

Second, I can't help but remember when they passed out those permission slips, and my mom read hers at the school, so that we could swing by the library to pick up books so she can explain it to me at home first too. If I could have crawled under a rock as my mom asked the librarian where the books were, I would have. I got her back though, for many years my parents thought I would be the next Dr. Ruth.

faemom said...

Sorry, I was a bit impatient; I'm trying to catch up and nap time is only so long.

Sapphire said...

How sweet that your daughter is clueless *happy sigh*.

Meg said...

So, we move from licking arm pits to sex talks and wearing PJ pants on your heads.

*deep breath*


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