I have this problem with my neck that rears up occasionally. If I stretch my arms above my head and move at anything other than just. the right. angle. I'll hear a tiny popping noise and instantly lose the ability to move my head without excruciating pain. Inevitably I do this to myself, to some degree, every few weeks.
And so as I sat, nursing a very stiff neck and reading my friend zelzee's blog, my heart dropped when she wrote that she, "was told many years ago, that when you turn 40 you lose a body part a year" and went on to state that this prediction has become reality for her. Fabulous. I will be 40 in just a few short months. Wonder what I'll lose first?!
I began thinking of all the things I might lose as I got older: my flexibility, coordination, eyesight, smooth skin... I don't even want to think about the loss of my health. I began to feel the tiniest bit depressed, but then I really thought it through. It's not like I haven't lost things already:
My natural hair color: I started coloring my hair at 24 because I was prematurely gray. 24!
My boobs: I nursed all four kids for two years. That's a lotta mileage on the 'ole milk wagons, if you catch my drift.
My stomach: For four years I was a baby-making machine. Tacking twins on at the end? Let's just say when your doctor tells you that you can do all the sit-ups you want, and it ain't goin' back, well, it's time to throw in the towel.
My metabolism: And I miss this most of all. The other three can be resurrected with a Wonderbra, Spanx and a bottle of Lady Clairol; slow metabolism? Not so much. I swear, I live on 1200 calories a day just to maintain my weight. It's an evil curse.
As I started thinking about this I got a little fired up. I'm supposed to have 'til I'm 40 and I've already lost six things (boobs count as two, right, and we already talked about my neck). But then I started thinking... the world according to me is ruled by nothing, if not logic... and based upon my
half-assed reasoning brilliant deductions I can conclude the following:
* I have a credit on my account and, therefore, I won't lose any more body parts until I'm 45!
* I will grow old, but I have decided that growing up will continue to be optional.
* I will not worry about health food. Rather, I will consume all the processed foods I want. I will need the preservatives to keep from deteriorating.
* I will ignore my well meaning friends when they tell me time is a great healer and instead rely on science for my beauty needs.
* I will acknoledge that wisdom comes with age. It just takes a detour sometimes. I feel confident that my wisdom is en route. It probably made a quick stop to see the sites in New York. I expect it will arrive any day.
And if all else fails, my lovely friend at the Un-Gourmet has told me that I can have my butt surgically removed so that I can't sit down. I imagine this will help burn calories as well as making me look slim and svelte in my jeans.