Come play in my world for awhile!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

So many choices, so much...

I have this problem with my neck that rears up occasionally. If I stretch my arms above my head and move at anything other than just. the right. angle. I'll hear a tiny popping noise and instantly lose the ability to move my head without excruciating pain. Inevitably I do this to myself, to some degree, every few weeks.

And so as I sat, nursing a very stiff neck and reading my friend zelzee's blog, my heart dropped when she wrote that she, "was told many years ago, that when you turn 40 you lose a body part a year" and went on to state that this prediction has become reality for her. Fabulous. I will be 40 in just a few short months. Wonder what I'll lose first?!

I began thinking of all the things I might lose as I got older: my flexibility, coordination, eyesight, smooth skin... I don't even want to think about the loss of my health. I began to feel the tiniest bit depressed, but then I really thought it through. It's not like I haven't lost things already:

My natural hair color: I started coloring my hair at 24 because I was prematurely gray. 24!

My boobs: I nursed all four kids for two years. That's a lotta mileage on the 'ole milk wagons, if you catch my drift.

My stomach: For four years I was a baby-making machine. Tacking twins on at the end? Let's just say when your doctor tells you that you can do all the sit-ups you want, and it ain't goin' back, well, it's time to throw in the towel.

My metabolism: And I miss this most of all. The other three can be resurrected with a Wonderbra, Spanx and a bottle of Lady Clairol; slow metabolism? Not so much. I swear, I live on 1200 calories a day just to maintain my weight. It's an evil curse.

As I started thinking about this I got a little fired up. I'm supposed to have 'til I'm 40 and I've already lost six things (boobs count as two, right, and we already talked about my neck). But then I started thinking... the world according to me is ruled by nothing, if not logic... and based upon my half-assed reasoning brilliant deductions I can conclude the following:

* I have a credit on my account and, therefore, I won't lose any more body parts until I'm 45!

* I will grow old, but I have decided that growing up will continue to be optional.

* I will not worry about health food. Rather, I will consume all the processed foods I want. I will need the preservatives to keep from deteriorating.

* I will ignore my well meaning friends when they tell me time is a great healer and instead rely on science for my beauty needs.

* I will acknoledge that wisdom comes with age. It just takes a detour sometimes. I feel confident that my wisdom is en route. It probably made a quick stop to see the sites in New York. I expect it will arrive any day.

And if all else fails, my lovely friend at the Un-Gourmet has told me that I can have my butt surgically removed so that I can't sit down. I imagine this will help burn calories as well as making me look slim and svelte in my jeans.

Good to know there are options... I'd hate to hit middle-age and just fall apart.

51 comments:

K said...

Growing up should totally be optional.

Thank God for wonder bras. I've only nursed one, but mine are already in pretty sorry shape.

And I've seen your photo and video - I think you look fabulous (and not just fab for 40). I think you look a bit like Ashley Judd.

Tammy Howard said...

One of my friends was gray very young, so when she started coloring her hair, I started too, just because I didn't want to be aware of it when it happened. Ten years later when I decided to see what was under there, I was so surprised that it was still dark! I haven't colored since. Everything else you've mentioned though? Oh my goodness... A friend and I were just discussing this - it seems like the smarter we get the more our bodies fall apart. It is all just so VERY unfair!!! Cool that you have a credit on your account, though!

Laoch of Chicago said...

I can testify that 40 was uneventful. 42 however ...

Now that I live an absurdly healthy lifestyle I see some signs of regression. Chin up.

Randomly Elly said...

NOOOOO!!! 40 is around the corner for me....and I am already having issues with my colon. AAAHHH!!!!

I have only nursed one child...and I am thankful that my ribs hold my boobs up :)

As for the tummy....they make EVERYTHING now with spandex RIGHT?????

and growing UP ~ TOTALLY optional!!!!

have a tremendously AWESOME Tuesday!!! I am off to fine an over the shoulder bolder holder...

del patterson said...

Funny stuff. Okay, maybe not so funny for you, but the way you write it is hilarious.

ck said...

damn. I've got a long road ahead of me...hope I can be as funny about it as you are.

Lindy said...

boobs totally count as two.

Pam said...

You always make me laugh. Thank you for that. I hadn't thought about the benefits of eating preservatives before, but I like your thinking. And I've got you beat on premature graying. I found my first gray hair at 21!!! At least I could legally drink a glass of wine after I found it to numb the pain!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

Im already 40...and I started losing things way before I hit this wonderful age!!!!! But you know when I turned 40 I was told that 40 is the new 30 so if thats the truth then you are just going to re-do your 30's so to speak...hehehe

(oh yeah and boobs count as two!!!)

for a different kind of girl said...

I made it through 40 relatively unscathed, but 41 is damn near kicking my ass, which is spreading, btw, because you're absolutely right about the metabolism issue! Some days I feel like I'm hobbling around the place like I've tacked an extra 40 years on me.

countryfriedmama said...

I swear, I can feel my skin wrinkling by the day. Aging is shocking to me. I just can't get over the fact that I am not 21. I still act so childish... And the metabolism? That change is perhaps nature's cruelest.

the ungourmet said...

My neck has this same problem! Twice while pushing my children in strollers (years ago, of course!) I tweaked my neck. I had to have physical therapy and chiropractic work. Every so often I do something and it happens again. I feel for ya!

Thanks for mentioning my butt removal diet plan. Who knows, maybe it will catch on!

Grand Pooba said...

I've gotta look into that butt removal thing!

You should come check my blog today cuz I gotta surprise for you!

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I think I could live with everything else falling apart, but darnit, I want my good boobs back!!
They just look silly laying there next to my belly button.

I love this post, Kathy B! Science may be the best cure for all things age related, but humor comes in a close second.

angie said...

I'm still laughing. Thanks for this today!

forever folding laundry said...

That doesn't sound so bad. I'd like to lose my muffin top first, my love handles second, my wrinkles third....

~Keri

Kristina P. said...

When I turned 30, I started getting hairy. Can't wait for 40!

Gibby said...

I always knew you were smart, Kathy B!, but that part about eating processed food for the preservatives?

Pure genius! LOL!

P.S. Where is Anon Mom?

Undercover-Princess said...

Just don't lose your sense of humor and we'll be okay. The Bible calls gray hair a crown of wisdom. ;)

At this rate - you will have no neck.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Surgically having your butt removed? I'll take one of those too. Maybe you and I could get the surgery together and earn some type of 2 for 1 deal from the doctor. :)

Is it wrong to admit that after reading your comment today I ran my not-so-little butt to both your site and Harriet's? You know me well, my friend. If you have a chance, check out my comment on her page.

I say we both take the challenge.
C'mon...you know you probably easily visit 1000 blogs a month anyhow...

I'll be waiting for you at the starting line so that we may embark on the journey together.

-Francesca

Tiffany @ Paging Doctor Mommy said...

OMG you are crazy! This post was spectacular! And guess what... I just turned 33 yesterday and I'm already falling apart! Yep, been coloring my hair since I was about 13 years old. And every joint in by body goes snap crackle pop like a bowl of rice krispies whenever I get out of bed!

Mary K Brennan said...

You may beat me to 40, but I started graying at 17. I would have been totally gray had it not been for some help by the time I graduated college. And the cycle continues. I've decided to join my metabolism on it's path of destruction. I can no longer count calories. My boobs are uneven, my hair gray, and my booty is way too big. I will not count calories!

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

I've lost my boobs already. I'm 31. My sciatica gave out in my early 20s. My brain...well, that's been running away for awhile. I'm going to be in really bad shape by 40 if this all holds true.

Tsquared417 said...

I think all Moms who nurse get at least a year credit for each towards the "falling apart" years!! Especially if you've nursed twins!! As for everything else, I think you will age extremely gracefully and beautifully...I can just tell!

Jamie said...

I work in an office with some women who are about a decade older than you, and their story is that it's when you hit 50 things start to fall apart...you might be able to buy a few extra years out of that!

Love this post! :)

Rachel said...

Sh*t. I've got 7 more years 'til 40 and I think I've got you beat already. Naturaly hair color? Gone, for the most part. Belly and both boobs? Gone. This past year, I realized my back will probably never be the same - blaming that on the co-sleeping. And every day I count another wrinkle, I think.

Yikes! I need more processed food!

Susie said...

I am in touch with that emotion. I turn 40 next year and things are already starting to change:-(

zelzee said...

I love that you have a credit!!

Metabolism is a good one...oh, yes, dear......it stays gone! (Eating hot peppers doesn't bring it back, trust me).

Thanks for mentioning me today! and yes, I have grown old, but certainly not up........just ask my daughter as she shakes her head at me and wonders where I came from!!

Inky, who is older than you and completely understands. said...

" I will not worry about health food. Rather, I will consume all the processed foods I want. I will need the preservatives to keep from deteriorating." HA HA HA!

The Blonde Duck said...

I'm never having children now...

happeegrrrl@yahoo.com said...

I think this might be one of my favoritest posts yet!

I'm going to eat some Twinkies now. I hear they're loaded with preservatives!!

D said...

I think growing up is overrated. A great sense of humor, though, that is something you should never grow out of.

You are hilarious.

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

Oooh! Oooh! I have credit! Gall bladder was taken out when I was 24. Although, I guess it's not really a credit eh? seeing as I have not a single grey hair so it probably cancels it out...(don't hit me!)
Kathy B! I loved this post!!

Alice said...

I refuse to think I have lost anything except periods when I went through Menopause (sorry guys, I know I said the P word). I even still get the admiring looks from men (ok they aren't from younger men anymore, but 50 -70 year old men can really make you feel gorgeous!)

Banteringblonde said...

I remember this post!! I'm pretty sure this is the year that I'm going to lose my mind ... is that a body part?

Michel said...

well shit! thanks a lot. Now I'm losing my will to live!

I also went gray at 24. WTF!? We should get 16 years of extra credit for that.

Michel said...

Also, I *heard* that when you go through menopause your rib cage EXPANDS

NOW THIS?! WTF else could go wrong!?

Hit 40 said...

Michel - my rib cage expands??? I thought this happened already with the babies??? More expanding?

Since i am flat as a rock! I pick boobs to go sage first.

Jen said...

It really is all down hill from here isn't it!?!

peewee said...

In one ear out the other. I am holding my hands over my eyes..."I CAN'T READ THIS. I CAN'T READ THIS!"

Orr's said...

I plan on removing the fat from my ass and puting it in my breasts then I'm still all natural. The extra skin on my belly keeps me warm in the winter so I'm not so sure I'm ready to get rid of it yet.

♥ Braja said...

I'm 45, and I also noticed first the metabolism...bitch of a thing :) I swear to God I can not eat for 5 days and still lose NOTHING...
xxx

♥ Braja said...

I'm 45, and I also noticed first the metabolism...bitch of a thing :) I swear to God I can not eat for 5 days and still lose NOTHING...
xxx

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Hell, I'm only 34 & I've lost the same stuff! except mine's my back not neck.

Oh yeah, sorry about your neck.

Megryansmom said...

I hit 40 and lost my mind! After that I couldn't remember what I used to be like or what parts I started missing. I'm not sure you really "lose" them, I think they just settle in your sagging ass.

passionsandsoapboxes.com said...

Okay... I'm 54 and I still have all the major body parts, 2 arms, 2 legs, a head, the important ones. I have lost a few internal ones I don't need anymore but I held out until I was 50. The metabolism thing sucks cheese, have had it for 20 years now. Wisdom... still waiting.

Sturgmom said...

You're lucky you made it to 40! I started falling apart at 30. All your "issues"? Yeah. Got 'em, too. The best news is that my boobs are so saggy, they can just cover up my bulging waist. There's always a silver lining.

faemom said...

I can't handle aging; it's the whole aging then dying thing that is the fear that cannot be named at night. Great; now I'll have a panic attack tonight. Thanks, Kathy. As for the metabolism, I remember eating ice cream for breakfast in college. Those were the days.

i am the diva said...

i'm turning 29 on tuesday, i think "I will grow old, but I have decided that growing up will continue to be optional." will be my new slogan... maybe i'll put it on a Tshirt...

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Since 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40, I think you won't have to really worry (much) until you hit 50...that buys you some time to add more credit... ;)

ScoMan said...

If only you got to choose which pieces of your body you could do without.