Not the television show.
And before any of my smarty-pants family members jump out of lurking status, let me just say that I am not referring to my abysmal sense of direction. So cork it!
I'm talking about being lost in the sense that I don't have direction in my life, and it's seriously starting to freak me out.
When I was young I felt as though my life was governed by expectations. It was expected that I would do well in school, make the right decisions, go to college, get a good job; and I did. I didn't mind those expectations, but I felt as though I was working from a list and checking boxes.
After I checked all those boxes it was my turn. I got to set goals, and I did. As a result, I got a job, a marriage (which is ironic because I'd sworn myself to the single life), a graduate degree, a consulting gig with a big name company and all of the travel and perks that went with it, pregnant, and then pregnant again, and again...
And then it all changed. I was too old to be saddled with expectations. And goal setting? Most days my goal was to make it through without being carted off to the loony bin. If I had to label this phase I guess I'd call it my fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants phase. I'm still flying by the seat of my pants on a fairly regular basis, but change is in the air. The kids are in school all day. I sleep through the night. Every night. I have enough down time to easily manage the home front and still have time to spare.
And herein lies the problem: My free time is only going to continue to expand as the kids grow more independent. Don't get me wrong, I know there's still a lot of mommy-ing left to do and I'm up for the challenge, but what about me?
I don't have a play book for what comes next. I had so many kids so fast that I never really thought beyond the immediate demands of caring for them. I have no expectations to fulfill ... no goals to achieve... no idea what to do with myself... I've been aware of this for some time and thought that by letting it fester subconsciously that I would come to some sort of conclusion. And I haven't.
I casually mentioned this to a friend the other day and the helpful person to whom I was speaking offered me this, "You are in the most enviable situation in the world. You have your whole life ahead of you and you can be anything you want." I walked away from that conversation with a spring in my step. What's not to love?
Except somewhere along the way
I think I'm lost.