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Friday, January 23, 2009

Conspiracy theory

I've wiped-out two times in two days.

I consider myself to be a coordinated person. This isn't something that's usually a problem for me. So with the infallible and inscrutable logic that can only be found in the world according to me I hereby declare that the world is conspiring against me.

Exhibit 1:

I previously mentioned that it snowed here, and it's unusual. I was worried about the pool with the super-cold weather we're experiencing. I peeked out the window to see if everything appeared in order. I honestly don't know what I thought I'd see -- a giant iceberg maybe -- but I checked regardless. And it's good that I did because the pool sweep had gotten hung up in the corner and was hopelessly tangled. This didn't seem good so I determined that an immediate investigation was warranted. Immediate investigation means that you ignore the 6 inches of snow and proceed outside in your pajamas and tennis shoes to assess the situation. After all, you just have to poke the thing with a stick and it'll self-correct. What could go wrong?

I was worried the pool sweep was going to put itself into reverse to un-stick itself (which is what it's supposed to do in these situations so that you don't have to go out in the freezing cold and mess with it) and when this happens the sweep often shoots a long jet of water out of the pool in protest. Of course the pool sweep is governed more by Murphy's Law than by true engineering so when the water jet shoots it usually hits anyone standing in the general area; especially if their back is turned. I was watching the sweep carefully and gingerly picking my way through the snow in anticipation of the shooting water. I was not in the mood to play games.

I was just...about... close...enough...to... reach when the sweep tried to shoot me. And I was ready. I anticipated just this chain of events. So, bring it pool sweep.

I leaped away from the sweep's angry tail and was just beginning to smile in self-congratulation when I realized something was horribly wrong... and the next thing I know I'm in the pool. It was really only one leg and it was in the shallow end so I was only soaked to the waist, but that doesn't change the fact that it was 17 degrees outside, the water was god-only-knows-how-cold, and I was scrambling in the snow like Bambi on ice to keep from going all the way in.

How could this have happened?!

In retrospect I've deduced that the pool sweep was merrily squirting water all over the pool decking throughout the night where it then froze into a solid sheet of ice that was covered by a blanket of fluffy, innocent looking snow so that unsuspecting mothers trying to do the right thing would be lured out into the trap and slip and fall into the pool.

Therefore the pool, in conjunction with the universe, was obviously conspiring against me.

Right?

There's more too. The second wipe-out involves Suave Detangling Spray for Kids. I don't want to divulge too much at once, though. If the government gets wind of my genius logic they might shut me down... That and we have swimming, basketball, and at least one child who needs to be dropped at a friend's house. And I'm out of wine. If explain the Suave Detangling Spray for Kids conspiracy now something on that list isn't going to be accomplished. And I'm really looking forward to my glass of wine.

11 comments:

Gibby said...

Oh, Kathy B! I am shivering thanks to this post. Oh wait, shivering and laughing (oops, sorry!). Oh, if only someone had a video of that! Brrr!! And yes, the pool was DEFINITELY conspiring against you. Damn pool. I can't wait to hear about the detangling spray, as that spray is the only thing that gets us through the mornings around here. :)

Kathy B! said...

Sheesh. I thought the prosepct of the conspiracy was making you shiver. Not the cold water :)

Leslie M said...

Rotflmao!

faemom said...

LOL
I can't help but say better you than me. The thought of snow, no matter how many inches, terrifies me, and I run back to the warmth that only the desert can provide. I would never had done out there in the snow, assuming the sweeper would correct itself. You're a brave woman.

Seeker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Seeker said...

Cold? Freezing?? Snow??? What were you thinking going out there?? Especially when you know it had laid a trap for you....isn't that mens work?
Just asking....

Kathy B! said...

Normally it IS men's work. However, this particular day the solitary male in the household was away on business... and I'm thankful for that. I'd never have heard the end of the laughing if he had seen me after my little escapade... or worse yet, if he'd actually witnessed it!

Of course if he was home maybe HE would've fallen in...

evenshine said...

You had me at "pool sweep". Those things are born of the devil. Looking forward to detangling spray drama...

Lana said...

Funny... My son asked me just today
what "hypothermia" meant. I'll direct him here...

When you said you fell in, I literally gasped and said "Oh NO!". My boyfriend looked at me like I was crazy...

Poor you!!

faemom said...

I've got something for you on my blog!

Erin H said...

How I WISH I had been looking out the kitchen window!!!