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Monday, July 27, 2009

Summer's last hurrah

My kids are back to school today and I'm a little sad because I wasn't quite finished with summer. In an effort to close summer break with a bang, we headed to the beach on Saturday. When we arrived, parking was a beast. We eventually got a spot, but I had to be at my sneaky best to make it happen. This was probably the first indicator that "things" were not going my way.


The second sign came after we had lubed the kids with sunscreen and sent them off to play. I sat back in my chair and breathed deeply of the salty ocean breeze. As the fragrance-laden air filled my lungs I put my arms behind my head and relaxed. I took in the crisp blue sky, the crashing waves, the myriad assortment of people around me, and let go of my thoughts.

The family next to me was setting up their spot in the sand and as I turned my head to watch them I nearly screamed. What could yank me from the cusp of relaxation? I caught sight of my underarms. Apparently I'd taken pains to ensure freshly-shaved legs, and neglected another critical area. Fabulous. In addition to driving a minivan, having stretch marks, and being 15 pounds heavier than I was in my 20's, I can now add questionable personal hygiene -- in public-- to the list of things that would never happen to me.

I quickly pressed my arms to my body and decided it was time to go play in the surf. After all, if you're up to your neck in water no one can asess the status of your armpits, right? I headed for the waves and was pleasantly surprised. Wrightsville Beach has been experiencing abnormally high surf and the waves were huge. My family played together for awhile, but I was secretly happy when they left to get some watermelon...

I must have been body surfing for half an hour when I mis-timed a wave and got my ass handed to me on a silver platter. Sometimes when you're getting rolled by a wave you literally don't know which end is up. I briefly felt my legs kicking spastically to propel me to the surface... and yet had the odd sensation that my feet were actually above the surface. Right about the time I figured out that up was really down I had two more realizations: 1) The water was pulling me insistently in warning that I was about to get slammed again, and 2) I was about to lose the bottom of my bathing suit.

Sure enough, the second wave hit and the next thing I knew I was scrambling my half-naked self into a standing position. As I righted myself, I frantically scanned the surface for my bathing suit bottom. I debated whether to enlist the help of the swimmers around me. I chose to share my predicament when I contemplated making the half-naked walk of shame all the way to our beach area.

The people around me were kind enough not to ask questions, and immediately began scanning the frothy waves for my black bathing suit. Luck was on my side as one of the surfers near me spotted my suit and yelled to his friend at the top of his lungs, "Dude! Mike! Grab those pants! Those black things... Dude!! The lady lost her pants!"

Thanks for sharing. Now the entire beach knows that I've lost my pants. My humiliation is complete.

Fortunately, my bathing suit bottoms were recovered. Luckily, I remained chest deep in churning ocean water through the entire ordeal and was able to re-suit myself without exposing myself.

And I don't think anyone noticed my armpits either.

Double bonus.

62 comments:

Sandy said...

OMG so funny and so embarrassing! I can always get through something like that by saying...nobody knows me here. Hopefully that was the case for you. Had your suit really floated away, how would you have gotten out of that water???

parentingBYdummies said...

School in July? Where do you live?!

Tammy Howard said...

Oh my goodness, let me catch my breath. That was hilarious. "Dude! The lady lost her pants!" Oh, man. (wipes away a tear)

Tsquared417 said...

*Still laughing uncontrollably*

I have done the armpit thing before...and the area right behind your knee on your legs? That one too.

So glad you found your suit.

Really wish our state would go to year round school.

ScoMan said...

Thank you for sharing your humiliation so that we could laugh with you.

I think we've all had those days, though I can't recall ever having one quite that bad.

confused homemaker said...

Isn't motherhood grand that way? All the things you thought you'd never do coming back to bite ya. I've shown up places unshaven too or realized after you've gotten out of the house & started talking to your child's teacher that you forgot to brush your teeth in the morning. Everyone else's got brushed but somehow your's didn't. Yah, it's classy.

Hit 40 said...

You can't make up this stuff!!! OMG!! I am so glad that you found your suit. No way would I have gotten outta that water.

TKW said...

Hilarious! I had a similar thing happen (with the top of my swimsuit) on my honeymoon in Maui. And Dude! I'm glad you got your pants back!

I can't believe your kiddos are in school already!

Juls said...

MWaaaHAHAHAHA! Good times. :) Ok, "close call" doesn't even begin to cover it... So glad you didn't have to bare all at the beach.
OH my.... That's why I always wear a one piece. It's definitely not because a two piece would show way too much of what the Lord tried not to bless me with, yet I still possess.... flabby belly jelly. :)

3 Bay B Chicks said...

There are times when I read your blog, my friend, and think that you should consider changing the name. Something along the lines of, The Things that Only Happen to Kathy B!, seems so much more appropriate.

-Francesca

PS: I think you forgot to include the photo on this one. :)

forever folding laundry said...

I agree with Francesca. Do you play the lottery? I'm thinking you might have a good chance of winning. Or maybe getting struck by lightning on your way to claim your prize.... :)

And I cannot believe your kids are back in school today!?! Crazy! Back to the grind!

~Keri

Riddle Girl said...

Your words always paint a perfect picture. But I think it would be the topping of this day if someone had some YouTube video of this to post.

Pam said...

I seriously LOVE your posts. You always make me laugh! THIS is why I stay safely in my beach chair with a book.

But, how is it that school is already back in session? Are you on year round school? Heavens, my kids just got out of school on June 23. I feel like summer just started. I would be so sad if school was starting soon.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

lmao. Too funny. (*giggle*)

I'm sorry though. How embarrassing.

But, hey, you know, it could have been worse.

Lisa (Jonnysmommy) said...

No way! Your stories are the best! They just crack me up! I'm so glad you didn't find yourself having to run up the beach with no bikini bottoms!

And your kids are already back in school? Ours don't go back until mid-to late August (Notice I don't know the date...my kid isn't old enough yet. I don't have the luxury of sending him off to school yet! :-)

Hillbilly Duhn said...

lmao. Too funny. (*giggle*)

I'm sorry though. How embarrassing.

But, hey, you know, it could have been worse.

Kristina P. said...

What a great distraction! Show them your pubic hair, to make them forget about your armpit hair!

i am the diva said...

you are officially my hero.

the ungourmet said...

Oh Kathy B! How humiliating! I would have died! In fact, I'm dying for you right now!

I've had that armpit thing happen to me too! I'm just way too preoccupied these days to remember such trivial things. :0)

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh, hun, you crack me up! I'm sorry to laugh over your humiliation, but this was hilarious!

Also, wow...kids back in school today?! There's a part of me that is so, so jealous....

Young Mom/Wife said...

I'm sorry but I laughed so hard! What is summer without a few stories like yours?

Kim said...

Ha! I needed that laugh this morning! At least it was your bottom, and not your top!!

beth said...

so!so!funny! from getting your "ass handed to you on a silver platter" on, i laughed out loud. thank you so much for sharing this! really sorry it had to happen to you in the first place, though!

The Good Cook said...

Laughing, laughing, laughing with you. Who among us hasn't had the "opps I forgot to shave THERE" moment...

And loosing the bottoms? Thank goodness they were recovered..

Back to school already? That's just wrong. It's still summer. Mine don't go back until after Labor Day...

Cheffie-Mom said...

Oh my! LOL! Summer already? In July?

Cheffie-Mom said...

I meant "school" already - sorry!

JennyMac said...

I was going to ask about school starting in July but now I am cracking up that you lost a bit of a battle with a wave. LOL.

Lindy said...

Look at the bright side - you were in a two-piece. I would never be able to do that.

Kathy B! said...

Couple of points of clarification:

1: Yes, er are on a year round calendar. 9 weeks in school followed by a three week break... it mostly works out well, but everything thing has it's pros and cons.

2: Let's be cleat about my bathing suit! It was not a string bikini. It was a tankini with a skirted bottom. It's not like I have some rockin' bikini body!!

Ink said...

Can't breathe...laughing too hard! (But you're right...I bet no one noticed the armpits.)

The Blonde Duck said...

You poor thing! I've done that before--that's why I wear a 1 piece!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

OK first of all of course there was no photo to go with this whole ordeal!!! That seems to happen alot lately hehe and just curious after this did the family leave you alone?? you know act like they didnt know you?? oh and this would be one reasons I love my ONE PIECE!!!!!

Grant said...

They're already back to school? It's not even September yet. How are they supposed to harvest the tobacco crops if they're wasting time in a schoolhouse?

Sturgmom said...

I may be a little slow figuring things out... but do you have year-round school? Your children got out WAY after mine and they're already back? Your summer was like 4 weeks long...

Sapphire said...

Oh, Kathy B! I love Frnacesca and Kristin's comments!
Hilarious.
If it makes you feel any better, I have been totally rocking leg hair for the past three weeks. It's really awful and honestly, I'm way to young to claim 'too old to worry about it'. I've been telling myself that it isn't noticeable since I mostly wear capris, but we all know that capris still leave about four inches of hairy calf visible!
I'm shaving this week though! LOL!!!!

blueviolet said...

You hit the legs, you missed the underarms, did you have the under the waters taken care of?

WhisperingWriter said...

"The lady lost her pants" line cracked me up.

I'm amazed that your kids are already back at school. My son doesn't start back up until August 26th.

Susie said...

How horrible!! I am glad that they found your bottoms so you didn't have to bare yours:-)

Missy said...

Sorry for laughing, but that is so funny! I am sure you will end up on you tube! The family that crammed in beside you surely caught this on tape! LOL

Jen said...

this kind of stuff only happens to you and I am sorry that it does but boy does it make for an awesome blog post. LOL!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

OMG! I'm laughing so hard I can't type very well because my fingers aren't working and I have tears in my eyes... I big puffy heart you, Kathy B! :)

So glad the swimmers around you were able to retrieve your bottom...er, um, I mean your bottoms...though it would have been nice if they hadn't announced it to the entire beach... (grin!!)

I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while...thank you for that! :)

Gibby said...

Why, oh why do these things keep happening to you, Kathy B!?

I have THE best idea to cheer you up: my kids still have 4 weeks of summer left. I CAN SEND THEM TO YOU! This way you will still have summer!

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

I am mortified for you! I can soooo feel that feeling! UHHG!!
Yeah, I bet no one noticed your pits. Phew!!
Maybe now is a good time to become "Steve" again? :P

Your kids are in school already??? Mine got out June 25th and doesn't go back 'till sept 8th.

Bee and Rose said...

HILARIOUS!!! I really needed this laugh today, Kathy!!! Thank you for publicly humiliating yourself for my reading enjoyment! lol!

This happened to me in Hawaii! Fortunately, I had on a one piece so I did expose my girl parts to any beach goers! lol!

Best end of summer story EVER!!!

Laoch of Chicago said...

Clearly a post which would be made better by photos!

CynthiaK said...

End of summer? Wha'? Why wasn't I informed?! (seriously, where are you that kids go back to school already?!)

Oh, that was a great post, though. Laughed out loud. I'm totally sympathetic - I've had a similar experience. But, I am sorry I did not get the chance to hear "dude, the lady lost her pants!" That is priceless. I can totally see it.

Glad you recovered your bottoms, kept your armpits under cover and made it back to beach.

Michelle said...

Oh why oh why school so soon??? I live in Maine and they still don't start until after Labor day! Poor things. Good for the Moms though I suppose ;)

Michelle said...

Oh and also...Yikes! you poor thing! Ha!

angie said...

Are they on year round school?

hholidayfun221@yahoo.com said...

This one goes in the Hall of Fame!!

You should get an award for fessing up and telling it~what an experience!!

passions and soapboxes said...

First let me apologize for laughing until I cried at your predicament. Now let me suggest a one piece suit for any further body surfing ventures.

♥ Braja said...

OK, so no one filmed this???
:)))

faemom said...

At least someone found your suit. My luck, no one would have found it.

peewee said...

You're just lucky they found your THONG!

Zeemaid said...

*ROFLMAO* You must have so wronged someone in a past life or something.... *L*

Michele said...

I've come to accept that this kind of stuff really only does happen in The World According To You.

LadyFi said...

This is hilarious! I'm doubled over here!

Oh - and if you were in Europe, then it is obligatory to have hairy armpits. And nudity is OK too - but usually the top half...

When I was a teenager I was always losing my bikini parts.. which probably explains why I wear a one piece these days.

Janell said...

ROTFL! Wow, you are awesome to share that. Glad you got the bottoms back w/o exposure!

Yaya said...

Hahaha! Still funny! I read this the other day from my iphone and it wouldn't let me comment.

Paging Doctor Mommy said...

The rip tides and currents were super strong when we were at Holden Beach as well. I was scared for Reagan to go out past her ankles!

The EXACT same thing happened to me about 13 years ago on a drunken night at Holden Beach when a bunch of us decided to go swimming after midnight right when the tide started coming back in from the lowest of lows the day before a hurricane was scheduled to make landfall. Now, it could have been the alcohol that was involved, but I blame it on the monster sized waves and rip tides. I was upside down and under water long enough to scare me half to death for thinking that surely I was going to either drown or be carried out to sea. When I finally surfaced, I was missing my bikini bottoms. Remember... it's the middle of the night. Those bikini bottoms were nowhere to be seen! So I had to brave it in the buff back up to the beach. This is where the alcohol worked in my favor... I had no fear, and everyone else was too drunk to notice!

Suburban Turmoil said...

That is HILARIOUS! We saw a pair of swim trunks in the water on a night beach walk, and I said to my husband, "You know what that means, right? Someone had to walk home nekkid."

You were one of the lucky ones. :) Add that to the list of things you never thought you'd do- ask strangers to find your pants!

msprimadonna67 said...

Wow-talk about closing out summer in a big way! Glad you recovered your errant half a suit. If it had been me, those puppies would have been long gone. That's just the kind of luck I have.