KathyB!: Your zipper is stuck. Quit yanking on it like that or you're really going to gum it up. Do you need help?
Child: But I have to get it down. I have to go to the bathroom NOW!
KathyB!: Yes, but your shirt is caught. If you keep forcing it like that....
Child: <furiously yanking zipper with all her strength> HELP MEEE!
KathyB!: I'm trying to help you, but you have to hold still. And you have to quit pulling on that zipper. I can't even get my hand in there to...
Child: <doing her best impersonation of the Lucky Charms Leprechaun as she dances around in circles and wanks on the zipper like nobody's business>
KathyB! Seriously. Let me help you. You have to hold still. I can't see what I'm doing when you're hopping around....
Child: AGHHHHH!
KathyB!: Oh, for cryin' out loud.... <tackles child and frees zipper>
Did I not say hold still? Did I not say to quit with the pulling on the zipper? There are some days when the ridiculousness of being a parent wears on me. Days when I feel as though I am way too smart to be doing what I'm doing. Days when I'm pretty sure I'm the smartest person in the room. By a long shot.
***
The other night we were enjoying a nice dinner out with family and my brother-in-law ordered a drink called the Snowmass IQ. He asked, rhetorically, what we thought about the name, and I quickly replied, "If you drink one you'll feel like a genius. If you drink two you'll look like a fool." The drinks were delivered and there was some lighthearted joking about how I got to be so knowledgeable about the Snowmass IQ.
My brother-in-law had taken maybe two sips of the drink when he knocked over his water glass.
I giggled to myself. Maybe the Snowmass IQ was more potent that I thought.
We cleaned up the mess and the incident was forgotten as we admired the natural beauty of our surroundings: brilliant sunshine, mountains jutting defiantly skyward, crisp air, the distant crashing of the river... At this point my brother-in-law, who had consumed maybe a quarter of the drink and weighs in at an athletic 6'3 and 225 lbs, offered to take our picture. We handed him the camera and positioned ourselves for the photo. My brother-in-law angled the camera in preparation, and then paused to announce, "Wow. This camera's a lefty. Hmph."
He was holding the camera backwards. Looking through the actual camera lens rather than the viewfinder.
Being the kind person that I am, I only zinged him a little.
My brother-in-law let his wife finish the Snowmass IQ.
***
I've often thought consumption of alcoholic beverages might be the link to effective parenting, but I think I can finally appreciate the nuance of this theory. Not just any old alcoholic beverage will do. It's gotta be the Snowmass IQ.
The Snowmass IQ would have helped me solve the zipper problem in record time by giving me the intellect of a 6 year old.
And if it didn't actually solve the problem I'm sure I would've felt a lot... happier. Regardless of the outcome.
47 comments:
I don't drink. But once I become pregnant, I will immediately start.
Ahahah!!! I am sure cool, calm, collected Uncle Tim was beside himself after these mishaps!! :) love you guys!
sometimes i think drinking is the only way to get through the day (i kid, i kid). i'll have to get myself the recipe for the snowmass iq. there are days when i could definitely use the intellect of a 6 year old!
ok now I need to know how to make me a snowmass iq!!!
And this my friend, is why I drink! Cheers
I do things like that stone freaking sober.
Alcohol solves everything.
Must get my hands on this genius liquid. The kids have sucked out all that was left.
I use to be able to read maps. Now, even a GPS complicates my mind.
Something is seriously wrong when all the answers to lifes problems are served in a glass.
I still say: "Fill me up!"
some days I feel too smart to be doing what I'm doing, at home, all day long, too.
And then there are times, like the accidental-welcome-to-the-neighborhood-here-are-my-breasts-incident when I think that perhaps I'd be worse off I spent more time around my peers...
I feel your pain... sometimes I think it's just me and the dog who are intelligent...
If I drank, I would want to try that drink just to see how potent it is. Of course, since I don't drink, the potency would be 10x greater than it should be.
Perspective. It's all about perspective. Sadly I don't need to drink to feel like a foolish 6 year old. But perhaps you're right that it'll make me feel better.
It's Friday night and I am on a quest to find a bar that will make one of these for me. Cheers!
I could use a Snowmass IQ right now!
I should really start taking notes from your blog, in case of the unlikely event I become a father.
* Hang kids from trees if they cause trouble
* If you can't understand the way your kids are thinking, get plastered.
I'm eagerly anticipating your next dose of wisdom!
Okay, now I'm curious about that drink..
this made me laugh. :)
Wow! I'm going to have to look that drink up!
Your zipper story reminded me of some of the crazy things I say to my son like, "Please put your gun away." or "Please stop hitting your sister with that hammer.". I can imagine if anyone overheard me they might get the wrong idea.
How many glasses of wine would it take to achieve that level of IQ? All I have is wine and I need lots of it tonight LOL
I miss the days of being able to tackle my kids to the ground to get something done. Of course the fact that one is 6' tall and would dismember me is a very good disincentive!
That sounds like a serious drink!
I need a Snowmass IQ! I am old and my kids are small=loss of brains cells. I lose my car keys three times a week. And though I work at an office products store, I continually ask my husband to do simple math for me instead of buying a calculator...I'd go on, but I forgot what I was just going to say...
It's a lefty...LOL!
zipper story = hilarious
but
the camera story = pure gold
Oh my! That's golden...hmmm, wondering where I can find me one of these snowmass IQ's....
I'll just call you zippy! HAHA
Your story about your brother reminds me when a friend of mine was practicing for doing that standing test that cops do. He was all proud of himself because he could stand on one leg for a long time, but he was so drunk he didn't realize that the whole time he was leaning against a stool.
wonderful end of the day laugh! Thanks so much! When I turned 40, I was tired and started drinking coffee. When my kids turned 15 I started drinking wine.
sink
The really mind numbing thing is when we start to sound just like the children without the Snowmass IQ!
Truth be told, I could use one of those drinks right now! Great blog-your stories always make me laugh. Its funny, right, the logic of a 6 year old? I don't know about that whole parenting bit!! :)
+and, thanks for stopping by today! So glad you still check in on me given my lack of consistency!
There are days and then THERE ARE DAYS!! Sounds like you had one of them.
That was an awesome Snowman IQ story! I can't imagine how bad I'd be..
If only every day could be filled with Snowman IQs!
Pass the Snowmass. Seriously. I need one and it's 9:12 AM.
No matter what I drink, it turns into a Snowmass IQ!
Both of those stories are awesome!
I truly believe that I am the only rational, efficient,intelligent person in my household. I can't imagine the mayhem if I started drinking, like the blind leading the blind...
What do you mean you only zinged him a little? Are you crazy.....!?
And you should have let him take that picture of his own face and posted it here for us to see.
Do you know that when I googled "snowmass iq," your blog was three of the top four hits?
I gotta try me one of those drinks...
Oh my goodness. This is the best scenario parallel EVER. Snowmass IQ is the answer huh? :)
I want to know what was in that drink! Even if the child had peed ON you, it might not have been so bad, had you sipped the Snowmass IQ.
Oh wow. He was gone, huh?
And I agree...the Snowmass would have at least made you forget about the situation. :-)
I realized last week that you always need one person ready to drive. Just in case - especially with kids. We really shouldn't both be a little to drunk at the same time.
ROTFLMAO!!! I could use a Snowmass IQ right about now... ;)
gotta get me one of those drinks...
Why is that kids always think we don't have a clue, that they were born knowing it all?
Sounds like a drink I need to try!
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