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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lessons in shopping for school supplies


* Do take a Xanax 30 minutes before entering Target. I've never had any myself, but I'm 99% certain it will help.

* Don't fool yourself into thinking that the signs screaming "SALE" mean that you'll leave the store without needing to sell a kidney to finance your purchases.

* Don't assume the Back to School aisles are in the same space/time continuum as the rest of the planet. 60 minutes in there is like 60 years.

* Do consider wearing your bicycle helmet. Even though you can't technically ride your bike to Target because you'd never be able to carry the 72 bags of needed items home on your handlebars, the helmet will protect you from falling school supplies. Three-ring binders fell onto my head not once... not twice... but three times as I was scrounging through the lower bins in an attempt to find the elusive $1.00 box of Crayola markers.

* Do consider steel toed boots as well. I know it'll look odd with your shorts and tank top, but you already look like a freak walking around Target with your bicycle helmet jauntily strapped to your head. Everyone will be too busy wondering why you didn't take it off to notice your feet, so go for it. When the pack of unruly heathens kids pushing shopping carts take the corner at mach 20 and run over your foot you won't even cringe. If you were wearing flip-flops you'd be hopping around like the Easter Bunny. Or at least I think you would. It's not like any of this happened to me.

* Don't underestimate the the lure of cheap office supplies. Remember my steel toed boot suggestion? Well, Kevlar body armor might be just the key to completing your ensemble. Why? Because those cheap pencils and erasers are like crack to senior citizens. There were more 80 year-olds than there were kids in those aisles... I got slammed in the butt by a shopping cart and was preparing to turn around and shoot some wound up little twerp with my evil-mommy-look -of-death when I realized the kid who rammed me was actually a 90 year-old man (give or take a decade).

* Don't be offended when the sweet little old man who can barely see over the top of the shopping cart tries to apologize for ramming his cart half-way up your butt by saying, "Oh! Oh! I'm so sorry I hit you, young lady! I thought I could fit through there. I really didn't think it was that big.... (pause) ...The cart! The cart is big! I didn't mean your keister is big. I meant the cart."

* Do rip open the pack of composition books and a package of pens. You need to make notes so you'll remember exactly how that just went down.

56 comments:

passions and soapboxes said...

Yea! I think I might be first. Have I ever told you how much I hate shopping. I like nothing about it, there are no positives. I took my youngest bra shopping when she was 14 and it took 4 stores and 12 hours to find the bra. Never again I said and I meant it.

ScoMan said...

Hahah that part about the elderly had me laughing in particular. I also love the idea of walking around in a bicycle helmet with steel capped boots.

I must express some disappointment though. I sensed a "Not once, not twice, but thrice" which didn't eventuate.

Yaya said...

Hahaha! Yeah, I always am amazed each year at how much money the people I nanny for are forced to spend on school supplies. Ridiculous.

lizspin said...

And why is it that kids have to pick the most expensive option of everything there is???

Tammy Howard said...

Oh dear. My mom has, on occasion, picked up some school supplies for my kids. I hope she doesn't shop at your Target, because she very much fits the old person MO you've laid out.

My kids haven't even gotten their supply lists yet. Dang, everything is gonna be so picked over...

Now I'm off to pick up composition notebooks and pens.

The Rambler said...

Such an awesome post!

If I see someone with steel toed boots and helmet with armor I will go fist bump them cause we obviously read the best blogs in town :)

ck said...

My daughter took one look at this post and announced that she was going to wear her "bride's dress" to the store. THANKS A LOT, B! TWINS.

K said...

Noted.

I love learning what I have to look forward too.

Yvonne said...

Very funny post! Glad the days of shopping with little people are over!

Young Mom/Wife said...

Thanks for another good morning laugh! When I know the kids in our area are getting ready for back to school I avoid those stores like the plague. So glad the Wee One doesn't have to do this stuff for a while.

Megryansmom said...

Thanks for the reminder, it's been a few years since I've had to shop for school supplies with that crazy list in hand and eleventy hundred people all crammed into the ONE aisle of supplies.

Did the old man really say keister? That's such on old man word LOL

Staci Z said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Staci Z said...

Thanks for the reminder of what is to come in the next few weeks...do you know where I can get a good price on the body armor?

Lindy said...

LOL! He did call you "young lady" so that counts for something.

We're going Back to School shopping this weekend - I may never return.

Sandy said...

YES!! Old people and old office supplies. Paul just found two RIBBONS for my mother's adding machine....it's the size of a Desoto. She writes 6 checks a month but continues to 'balance her statement' bless her heart. At least it causes her to use her brain.

Michele said...

Man! There's nothing I despise more that having the back of my ankles clipped by a shopping cart. I'm normally a fairly relaxed, fun-loving mom, but when one of my little darlings rams me "accidentally" for the fourth time, I turn on that kid like a vicious, snarling beast.

Tsquared417 said...

Thanks for the tips! I'm getting ready to do school supply shopping myself...I'll have to look on ebay for the Kevlar Vest... ;)

Hit 40 said...

My boys bookbags are still packed from the last day of school. The pencils, calculator and markers are still good!! I plan to just dump their old papers and put some fresh paper in the folders...

and we do get straight A's!!

Hit 40 said...

...and I love that you let your daughters wear whatever they want :-) Just not a battle worth fighting.

evenshine said...

Office supplies are like crack in places like Target to me. I always get home and think...why the *#!& did I buy this?? Seriously. At least your trip was with two and not all four.

confused homemaker said...

Ugh, anytime I'm in Target it sucks time & money from my life & yet I LOVE Target. It's like a drug for me. And I just adore that she wore that dress shopping, Mamacita does that too. But people look at me really strangely if I do it.

Juls said...

We haven't "gone there" yet this year..and I do dread it. But I do love me some Target ...I must admit.

Meg said...

How does all this happen to you? I seriously never though North Raleigh was all that interesting. I love it!

Meg said...

Ps. I love the poufy white dress too. Just the thing for shopping at Target.

Nikki said...

lol! Oh gosh.. frightening. Reminds me of when I was in high school. It's really a mad house when it gets closer to school time. Takes like an hour to get through an aisle. How did my mom deal with it? How does any mom deal with it? lol

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

ohhhh thanks for reminding me just how much fun its going to be as I make this trip!!!! although I now have two in college so they take care of that stuff themselves...whew...leaves me only one at home and he isnt so bad...its all the crazy bumping into my ass people I dread!!!! hehe

Grant said...

When I worked security for Kmart I was surprised at how cheap the thieves could be. Specifically, someone opened a 10-pack of Bic pens and took one of them. They sold for 89 cents for all ten. Just steal the whole pack, people.

TKW said...

I am so happy to see that someone else's daughter decks herself out in tutu finery for a quick jaunt to Target.

I just told Miss D. this morning that next week was "d-day" for school shopping. Heaven help us!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I avoided the 'Back to School' section of Target like a plague the other day...though it was tempting to dive into the fray, but I'm glad I didn't, since I wasn't armed with my bike helmet or steel-toed boots. ;)

Tina said...

Oh my gosh, I'm literally sitting here crying I'm laughing so hard. I can just picture a 90 year old man saying that.

I'm off to do school shopping in a few days...Thanks for the tips!

Cheffie-Mom said...

Ok, the little old man just made me spit out my tea! LOL!

blueviolet said...

I think it's just you. I'm sure of it.

Kristina P. said...

Are you sure this wasn't at Walmart? This doesn't sound like my beloved Target.

Jen said...

Wow, I just learned so much here. I will be doing my very first school shopping session here short. Good to know that I am going to need to get a helmet and boots first.

the ungourmet said...

Sorry, I thought I could fit in there! HA! :D

I can't even tell you just how grateful I am for the great laughs today! Thanks Kathy B!

Laoch of Chicago said...

: )

WhisperingWriter said...

I'm a huge fan of Target. I got all of Tommy's school stuff from there.

Dang old man though.

Pam said...

Firt you have the BEST stories. "...the cart not your keister". I can just picture/hear it! I'm still laughing.

And really what is it about back to school shopping that turns a simple list of supplies into a bill the size of a mortgage payment. Every year I say "we're only getting the essentials" and every year we break the bank! What's up with that?

bernthis said...

Lucky for me that time is not coming for another 5 weeks! yay? Target is and always will be a nightmare. That being said, I would die without it and I would be naked b/c my outfit today is from Target and I love it

faemom said...

I used to LOVE back to school shopping. All those writing supplies. The backpacks. I had no idea the darker side exists now that I'm a mom. Thank you for warning me.
Oh and I LOVE the dresses.

The Good Cook said...

Love, Love, Love the shopping outfits. I mean if you can't go to Target in your best frufru dress, where can you go?

Old men with carts - I think they do it for kicks!

Gibby said...

Oh dear! Being bullied by geezers in Target!
Um, don't hate me, but I simply wrote a check to our PTO and they will do all the shopping. I merely have to pick the bag up a few days before school. *does a little dance*

Susie said...

I ordered all my supplies on line...saves the hassle:-)

3 Bay B Chicks said...

I am absolutely adoring all of the family shots of the Belinski girls that you are posting. It melts my heart a little each time I get to see them.

As for your Target tips, I couldn't agree more. Come armed and come with a roll of cash. It is a jungle out there. :)

Hope all is well with Rachel.

-Francesca

Paging Doctor Mommy said...

I'm new at this as a mom... do pre-schoolers need back to school supplies?!?!?!?!? If so, YAHHOOOOOO! I love shopping for school supplies. I may just go buy her some for the heck of it... I mean, seriously, what does a three year old REALLY need?

Ink said...

Xanax, indeed! You're hilarious.

I'm still frustrated about last year's school supply shopping myself. ;)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I so agree. It is totally nuts this time of year. I refuse to start for another week, because then it means I have to go back to work.

forever folding laundry said...

I just laughed thinking of the old man talking about your keester! Too funny.

I feel your pain. I took the three kids clothes shopping by myself the other day. I wonder if it's a coincidence that I had an enormous migraine later that day? Hmmmm.

~Keri

FranticMommy said...

We offer a service at my day job (which is an indepently owned office supply store) called Class Kit that puts class-need-lists together FOR parents and sells them at a package price. After reading this, I think we need to triple the price based on the pain and agony we are saving people!
PLUS, include a copy of this blog post so parents know FOR SURE they did the right thing!

Anonymous said...

Man, everything is dangerous these days!! Is ther nothing left that is safe?? Be safe fellow momies.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I forgot that you were in N.C. and that is why your school starts so soon. My uncle is a teacher in N.C. So he must be back to school already too!

Anyhow, I don't have to do school shopping just yet. Shew! I will take this advice, however, when I do get ready to do so.

Ink said...

Of course I'm back at wordpress, so in case you tried to go to that post and it wasn't there, here's the original post. (Sorry, I know. But I'm staying put this time.)

http://inktopia7.wordpress.com/2008/09/23/my-new-job-kindy-mom/

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I filled up an entire buggy with school stuff for 2 kids at Target! And the school buys the supplies for the little one! And I took out an old lady.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

After the "young lady" comment, I'd remember the day on a positive note. :)

Have I told you lately how your posts make me laugh?

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