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Thursday, October 29, 2009

How KathyB! lost her sparkle (part 1)

I've gotten more than a few kind emails of late pretty much asking... Did I fall off the face of the earth... Did I quit blogging... Did I die... What the heck?!

I didn't die literally but I think, figuratively, a little bit of me might be gone.

Late this summer I unexpectedly found myself pregnant. PREGNANT! This was not planned.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor and ran through the 1,001 reasons that this pregnancy could not be happening to me now, I realized it could work. And as the shock slowly began to wane, I felt a small seed of joy begin to take root. I wandered through the days nurturing my secret, and frantically clutching at the the initial glimmer of peace that comes with acceptance and the first gossamer wisps of excitement that come with the creation of new life. And every time the specter within me questioned the fledgling joy or whispered oh, so seductively that it would be better if this baby didn't happen. I tried to let the seeds of happiness and peace grow over that terrible voice.


I hadn't told anyone. My husband was crazy-busy working on a special project and traveling and I knew this would knock him for a loop. Big time. I wanted to wait a few weeks until his schedule returned to normal. And I was only just barely pregnant. I had time.

And then I lost the baby.

And I was so terribly, hauntingly, heart-breakingly sad.

And so angry and disgusted with myself. How could I honestly mourn the loss of someone who I hadn't been completely sure I wanted? How could I be sorry to lose someone who I had secretly referred to as a mistake? How could I have the audacity to mourn this child when there was a small, dark part of me who was thankful that it was gone?
***
I did what I always do - I packaged up my sadness and chose to focus instead on the things in life for which I am thankful.

And it worked.

Kind of.

But my shiny, happy view of the world suddenly looked a bit dimmer, and had a noticeable and bitter undertone.

I didn't leave the blogosphere right away, but I didn't really want to be here either. I've always found such joy in blogging. It seemed wrong to be indulging myself. Making myself happy.

When a part of my heart had wished this baby away.

65 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Kathy, I am so sorry. This was not your fault! You can not beat yourself up for being panicked.

I have been thinking of you and missed you. You take your time and come back when you're ready.

Southern Belle Mama said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through that experience. Just know that in no way did your thoughts influence the outcome of the situation. Unfortunately so many women go through losing a child and it is difficult no matter the circumstances.

You are in my prayers.

Lindy said...

KathyB! - you are the epitome of strength and courage. Your positive outlook and the size of your heart are undeniable.

I'm so sorry that you are having to work through this loss.

Keep your head up, you are incredible in your joy and your sadness, an example to us all.

I will pray for your understanding and your peace during this difficult time.

TKW said...

I lost one in between Miss D. and Miss M. It's never easy. I'm sorry you're wrestling with this.

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. That first jolt of panic when you find out you're pregnant is SO normal--please don't beat yourself up.

Let me know if there is anything I can do.

Jen said...

Kathy,
My heart really goes out to you. I know it must be hard to be so torn and your feelings. But you have every right to mourn and be sad, even if you are happy not to be pregnant anymore. Its complicated but what in life isn't. Take some time, cry, be angry and then try like you always do to find the funny. It is there you will get it.

You are so loved, here and in the real world. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Cairo Typ0 said...

I am so sorry you are going through this, Kathy. **hugs**

I wish i had words for you that didn't seem trite or empty. Please accept my prayers and hugs and the sentiments of sympathy, strength and hope behind them.

peewee said...

You're awesome for posting this. Here's the upside though.

I think you'll be able to keep your kittens now, given that you and your husband ALMOST had to face 2 yrs of diapers and puke and sleeplessness.

And Kittens? That's NOTHING compared.

So. There's that.

Young Mom/Wife said...

I am incredibly sorry you are going through this. I am sending long distance hugs and thoughts your way.

Yaya said...

Oh Kathy, I'm so so sorry. This just isn't fair that this happens to people. I completely understand the emotions you are going through. I wish I could be there to give you a giant hug. :( :( :(

((((Hugs))))

ck said...

You are wonderful, kbexclamationpoint. What you felt was normal. Human. Honest. And your sparkle with come back. I promise. Just give it time.

Grant said...

*pat pat pat*

K said...

I think all those feelings are completely natural.

My mother always says something along that "that's why a baby take 9 months to made, you need that time to prepare mentally".

I lost a baby at about 6 weeks. It's was so early, but it still was very hard. (It was a few months before I got pregnant with the one I'm currently carrying).

I think you're wonderful and I hope you feel sparklely again soon.

Danielle said...

Kathy- I think that everything you have felt is completley normal. Even the not sure and angry parts. Please don't be to hard on youself.
Take your time, we will all be here when you are ready.

Tsquared417 said...

I've been there...with my first...and I wanted her desperately and carried her for 14 weeks...and felt horrible when she was gone...I understand. I hope your guilt goes away...any mother of 4 who are pretty independent would feel the same about a new baby...and at your age! (wink, wink!)

I am so sorry for your loss. Take your time and get your sparkle back slowly but surely. BIG HUG!!

The Crazy Suburban Mom said...

I don't know what to say. Partly because I read the comments and every one said so much and partly because I just dont know.

All I can say is it must hurt alot. It would hurt me...

Tracy

Pippa said...

Hugs and kisses and thoughts of you.

Gibby said...

Oh, KB! Here's me sending you a huge hug across the miles. Everything you felt/feel is normal and human. Nothing in this world is black and white, and we can never know why things happen. What we can do is embrace what we are given, so give your girls one super giant KB! hug. Although this baby wasn't with you long, she has given you a gift of reminding all of you how important each of you are to each other. Miss you.

Riddle Girl said...

Kathy B!-
Look at this as a way to connect to even more women out in this world wide web. Sharing your story can help others. We all experience emotions/thoughts that we wonder "where did that come from?" But we are all here on this earth to grow, learn and love. Not a fun growing experience, but from what I have read since becoming a follower...You will handle it well!!!
I must echo a lot of the sentiments above...HUGS!!! That is all I can offer some of my neighbors who have recently been through this. So a big web hug to you!
~Heather

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Ohhhh Kathy! I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know that pain intimately. ((HUGZ)) to you in a big way!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

confused homemaker said...

Kathy,

*hugs* I am so very sorry for the loss of your little one.

As women we can't ever know how we'll react to a pregnancy, even planned pregnancies sometimes leave us going "WTF?" You can't blame yourself for having the reaction you did, it's normal. It's also normal to have confused reaction to the loss of a baby via miscarriage. And part of you knows that.

We all carry a dark part around with us, it doesn't make us horrible, but it makes us human. It's what we do with that dark part that matters, do you let it define you. Yours doesn't define you, but all that good, the light, you carry with you does. Because you do mourn of that & you cry because you know the joy.

And thank you for sharing this, it took a lot of strength to do so. You will be in my prayers (hope it's OK).

ScoMan said...

Wow. I'm so sorry, that's awful. All this time I'd just been thinking you must have been traveling around with your husband a lot, I didn't expect anything this bad was going on.

*Hugs*

I really don't know what to say, but then I guess there are no words to take away the sadness.

beth said...

i'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. i have no real encouraging words. just know that my thoughts are with you and i hope that you are shiny and sparkly again soon. you are missed.

Susie said...

Oh no!! I am so sorry to hear about this! You didn't wish the baby away. You are a human that has rights to your feelings. Perhaps you were sent this short life to teach you something about yourself. If you learn it, the life will not be in vain. I hope you come back to the blogosphere soon. I miss your wit:-)

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my gosh!! I can't believe what you've been through! And here I thought you were probably on vacation somewhere. I'm so sorry!

forever folding laundry said...

Kathy,

I'm so sorry for everything. Don't punish yourself for finding a little happiness despite your sadness. I am very familiar with the pain you're going through, so know you're not alone.

xo,
Keri

Pam said...

My sincerest condolences for loss. I'm so very sorry. I suffered several miscarriages and I know that the grief you feel is very real and can be debilitating. I'm sure it's compounded by your mixed up feelings about this pregnancy. But you are entitled to your grief - no matter what thoughts you might have had. Be kind to yourself and know that you are in my thoughts.

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh, honey! I'm so very sorry you lost your baby, and while I can understand how the thoughts can invade your mind and heart, please, please know that this wasn't really something you need to blame yourself for. All the thoughts you had while finding those glimpses of acceptance were natural. Especially when you feel like your family is already complete, etc. There's so many emotions involved in a pregnancy and definitely in the loss of one. Do everything you need to to help heal your heart, and please know I'll be offering up good thoughts for you.

blueviolet said...

I am so sorry! I really don't know what the right thing to say is in this situation. Please know that I care.

♥ Braja said...

Who are we to ask this, but we all think "I wish you'd told me," and "Tell me what I can do..."
xo

ymK said...

Oh Kathy B I have missed you! And yes I have been wondering what happened to you, and I am so sorry to find out the answer.
You are wonderful, and you make so many ppl smile everyday. Don't ever think you don't deserve to be happy. What you felt was human, it had no effect on the outcome.
I will be paying for you.
Missyou.

ymK said...

Okay pRaying, not paying. *Sheesh*

WhisperingWriter said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

You are in my thoughts.

Laoch of Chicago said...

How agonizingly awful.

My father, who was much wiser than me, used to say that everyone has mixed feelings about everything. But feelings do not control the world. Forgive yourself, you will always be your own worst critic. What happened was awful but the only thing you can do to respond to it is to try and make your life and the life of your family better in a small way each day. After some time small this will add up in a large way.

Good wishes to you.

Suzy said...

The Universe says you are right where you're supposed to be, otherwise you wouldn't be.

the ungourmet said...

Oh, Kathy B! Suddenly you popped into my mind tonight and I wanted to check to see how you were. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I lost my 1st baby. It's a strange feeling, one you can't quite totally wrap your mind or heart around.

If I was closer I would run over right now and give you a big hug!

I'll keep you in my prayers. If you ever want to chat you let me know!

LadyFi said...

Oh Cathy - I'm so sorry for your loss. Please please don't beat yourself up over this... a part of you thought it didn't want the baby - another part did want it... somewhere along the line, I'm sure that your acceptance and joy would have been whole-hearted.

Focus on yourself, and dealing with your sorrow... Try to let go of those feelings that it is your fault. It's not.

Hugs - from someone who has also lost children.

~Laura said...

Oh, KathyB!... I am sending you one big ((hug)) right now. You are one of the sweetest, kindest people on the planet. Not to mention one fantastic mom. What you felt at the beginning of this pregnancy is perfectly normal. It was not planned, you were shocked. But, I guarantee, that if you were to make it to the end and hold that little one, you'd have loved her just like the rest of your brood. I know because I have one of those little unplanned critters at my house and I had the exact same reaction that you're talking about when I found out. God has a plan. This happened for a reason. Take your time and mourn your loss. But, don't punish yourself. You don't deserve it. : )

passions and soapboxes said...

I think you know how I feel and if you don't then know this. I am sorry for your pain and loss. I know that nothing will make it better except time with your family. We will wait and hold down the fort until you are ready to come back. When you do come back we will be here waiting to help as much as you will let us.

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

So sorry to read this. I hope you know deep down that you didn't wish anything away. Things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

Major hugs for you.

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

So sorry to read this. I hope you know deep down that you didn't wish anything away. Things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

Major hugs for you.

evenshine said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Wish we had known to begin supporting you sooner. You are in my prayers before the Healer.
Hugs and love. And hoping that one day it's better.

Tammy Howard said...

Please don't feel like you've wished this baby away. That simply isn't how it works.

I am so sorry for your loss and confusion. I'm so touched by your raw honesty.

Feel better when you can and feel bad when you need to (but don't let it consume you!)

(((Hugs)))

The Good Cook said...

Oh Kathy - why do we women beat up on ourselves for being human? Every change in our lives can bring both happy and negative feelings.. it is what we do with those feelings that matter.

I'm so sorry for your lose. I'm even more sorry you are beating yourself up for ANY emotion that you may be feeling or have felt.

You didn't wish this child away. And even if you did - that is not what caused a miscarriage.

Please give yourself a hug from me. Grieve if you need to. Sing if you want.

Linda

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I'm so sorry. You didn't wish the baby away that way I'm sure. And maybe it wasn't the baby's time. . . the baby wasn't ready to come and you weren't ready either. God knows our hearts. He knows our pain and he knows what we think isn't always what we mean. I wish I could say something more profound. I can't. I can't even scratch the surface of what you're feeling. Just know. . . we are all here for you, if only virtually.

JC said...

You need a HUG !!!

Now, pick yourself up. Things happen. Life is crazy. Like a roller coaster ... up and down we go.

Be sad for what could have been. Now, be happy for what you have. Find joy in each day.

You have kittens and a chauffeur business that depend on you ...

Basically, what I'm telling you is I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Take time to be sad but also after a while ... remember what you do have. Pick yourself up and enjoy your life !!!

faemom said...

*hugs*
I don't think there is one reader here that wouldn't do anything you needed, wouldn't wait until you were ready, wouldn't mind being the ear and shoulder you need.

Undercover-Princess said...

Jesus - please touch Kathy and her family. You are the Prince of Peace and only you can give us back peace and any form of joy during a time of great sadness. Touch her, Lord, and give her peace about the situation. Her baby is with you and while she will one day see her baby again and eternally be with You, right now she needs strength to be with her children on earth.


In Jesus Precious and most Perfect Name....

Mary K Brennan said...

My Dear Friend, there are no words, only thoughts. There is a time for everything. This just wasn't the right time.
You have managed to bring such joy to your bloggers. We will be here when you are ready.
Thoughts and Prayers.

Pop and Ice said...

Oh, Kathy, I'm so sorry for your loss. And is a loss, no matter how your feelings vacillated from day to day. A precious possibility gone. But I pray that one day your heart won't feel the loss quite so painfully; just a small ache of remembrance.

Kristen said...

oh Kathy I am so sorry! I am praying for you! You know it isn't your fault. I am sure you didn't wish the baby away and even if you had that wouldn't make the baby go away! I hope you know that! God had a purpose for the baby and maybe it was to help you for the short period of time.

Unknown Mami said...

Let me begin by saying I am so sorry. I know words do not make it better, but know that there are people in this world sending you kind thoughts and virtual hugs.

You are allowed to feel everything you described because life is messy and we are complex, complicated creatures. Your loss is not lessened because you had the audacity to be human and doubt. Nope, not one little bit.

Again, I am so very sorry.

Yvonne said...

Our best, happy, instantly joyous behavior doesn't determine what life brings, nor does it earn us anything. Neither does our negative reaction to life earn us 'bad outcome.' I, too lost a baby. I, also had a shocking surprise of a pregnancy 7 years after my LAST child. Took me 5 months to even accept it. God is so GRACIOUS. He knows our hearts. We shouldn't beat ourselves up for what God doesn't. His mercy flows. I'm glad you showed up! Time will heal... like CK said.
:)

Mama Kat said...

My heart is breaking for you. Losing this baby has nothing to do with you, and I think you said so well what ANY of us would be thinking if we surprisingly got pregnant when we were planning on being done.

Tracy said...

Kathy, I am so sorry. I understand your feelings - I lost one last summer before we were sure of what we wanted. Your feelings are normal - please know that. You are allowed to find happiness in other areas. Please let me know if I can help in any way. Tracy

Zeemaid said...

awwww I feel for you. I had wondered where you had gone.

I understand somewhat because I cried buckets when I found out I was pregnant with O. It's amazing how you can go from desperately wishing it never happened to desperately wishing for it to succeed.

I think we're just human.

Hugs to you. Hope things turn brighter for you soon.

Bethany AKA Mother of the Munchkins said...

It's amazing, isn't it, how often times we feel so alone in this world when in reality we've multitudes of sisters in understanding? The above posts are wonderful, you've got a fantastic support group. Take care of yourself first and foremost and find comfort in knowing you are never, ever alone.

The Blonde Duck said...

I am so sorry Kathy. I can't imagine how this feels! Here's a giant hug and slice of pie for you, even though I know it won't do much.

Nocturnal Queen said...

I had noticed your absence and thought that maybe you were just busy with life. I'm so sorry for your loss.

(((HUGS)))

Kim said...

So very sorry.

countryfriedmama said...

I'm so sorry, KathyB! Truly.

Shan said...

Man, that sucks. I wish you didn't have to go through that.

Not that it makes anything better for you, but there have been a couple of months lately when I thought I might be pregnant, but got my period not long after thinking, "I do NOT want to have another baby." Yeah, even though we're trying... *sigh*. I know that we'll love any baby that happens to get past my thoughts, but that doesn't mean there isn't another side to the beginning of some stories.

Hang in there, and try to be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

Bill and Lorie Shewbridge said...

Oh, Kathy, my heart is breaking for you... nothing I can say will make you feel better, I know! But I will say that you did nothing to cause this, and in your head you know it, when your heart feels better - which it will eventually - not that it will ever go away completely, but it will get better, you will know that. Please know I have a hug in my heart for you, and tears in my eyes.
Love, Lorie

heidi said...

Kathy - I lack the words but not the empathy & compassion. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Sandy said...

Kathy, obvioulsy I'm getting to this post very late but I still wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.

Meg said...

Oh honey! I am so so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of love!