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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Snakes on a plane in the pool

Yesterday I gave you some background on our pool and it's magnet-like ability to attract frogs and snakes. I really needed you to appreciate my state of mind when I approach the pool and contemplate peeking into the skimmer basket. The vast majority of the time I pop it open and find only cute little frogs. But every once in awhile, when I start to feel complacent....

I was standing by the pool preparing to check the skimmer basket . I was alternating between saying little prayers that it would be empty and berating myself for being such a big wuss. DH was out of town, and he was going to be gone for a solid seven days. Sometimes I just ignore stuff while he's gone, but not for a whole week. I sighed in resignation and had just hunched over and pulled the lid off the skimmer basket when I noticed a long, black tail sticking out and floating in the pool. I gave a muffled shriek of dismay and dropped the lid to the ground with a loud bang.

Inside the basket, swimming against the downward swirl of the water, was a long, black snake.

I took a moment to ponder the fact that this sort of crap happens almost exclusively when my husband is out of town. I figured I had two choices: I could leave the snake there swimming futilely against the current to eventually drown. Or I could grab the pool net and try to fish him out.

I'm a lot of things, but heartless isn't one of them. And besides it wasn't a poisonous snake, so what could go wrong? I grabbed the net and gingerly tried to lift the snake from the skimmer. It worked, but it worked a little too well. The snake new exactly what to do, and when presented with the net's pole he he wound himself rapidly around the handle and began worming his way towards me at lightning speed. I froze momentarily in total panic, but there's nothing like the prospect of a snake crawling up your arm to make you wet your pants jolt you into action.

I try to act like an adult most of the time, but every once in awhile the veneer cracks and I morph into, I don't know, it's like a cartoon character version of myself. So I screamed, and trust me when I say that I can put a B-list actress in a cheesy slasher flick to shame with my vocal talents. And then I hucked the snake and the pool net as far away from me as I possibly could. Except it didn't go very far. The whole lot of it -- the snake and the net -- ended up in the pool.

In addition to trying to act like an adult I also try to be a good role model. Not that day. There was a blue cloud of profanity hanging over my head by that point. I think I might have invented a few new cuss words. Sailors the world over were proud. I finally got the net back using my legs (hello! legs in the pool with swimming snake! I should really get a medal here) and a swim noodle. I tried the snake removal again, and it was like deja vu. The snake came up the pole, I screamed like a girl, I hucked the whole mess like a javelin, again, for all I was worth...


Except this time I pitched it away from the pool.

I hurled some more creative profanity at the snake
as I retreated to the house on wobbly legs.

And I sent the kids into the woods to retrieve the net.

59 comments:

Lindy said...

I would've booked a room at a hotel.

I would've gone back inside, packed up all my shit and gotten the hell out of there and waited for my husband to get home because this was obviously all his fault for leaving in the first place.

confused homemaker said...

That's why I am happy we no longer have a pool.

TKW said...

Crikey! That sounds like a job for...oh wait, he's dead.

Frightening stuff, my friend!

Meg said...

I will never swim in your pool. Ever.

M-Cat said...

Not good. Not goo a'tall.

I'm just hoping the snake didn't find a way to slither into your house......eeeeekkkkk!!

passions and soapboxes said...

You will be rewarded with good karma for your snake rescue, at least keep telling yourself that as you run screaming from the yard.

Paging Doctor Mommy said...

I'm suddenly very happy that we don't have a pool... and funny how just yesterday I was telling the hubby that I wished we had one! I've turned the temp down on our hot tub to resemble a pool, but it's just not big enough!

Cheffie-Mom said...

Ewwwwwww! We have woods behind our house - home to tons of those guys!

Sturgmom said...

You're a step ahead of me- I would have had no idea if it was poisonous or not. What were you planning to do with it once you got it IN the net?

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

I don't know how you can deal with all these snakes? I want to move out of my house even at the site of a spider!

I bow to you!

Pam said...

Now I'm hyperventilating! I would have moved into a hotel until my hubby came home. Did I mention I have a serious snake phobia. YIKES!

ck said...

Just one of the many reasons it's important to have bold children. We did our time, kbexclamationpoint. As far as I'm concerned, we no longer need to be brave.

Staci Z said...

You know they say snake tastes like chicken...:)

Kristina P. said...

I almost peed my pants yesterday at a spide climbing on my blanket, on my lap. Fortunately, I had my husband to save me!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

no way no how.....I could not of done that!!!! I would of said sorry we cant swim while dads away!!!! UGH I still have the ebeegees from reading that!!!!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I think that if I had been you in that situation it would have played out exactly the same!! Including sending the kids into the woods to get the net!! LMAO

Riddle Girl said...

Have I told you lately that I just LOVE your writing! I always feel like I am right there with you on these adventures.
Just think of all the funny stories your girls will have to tell when they are older!
(Remember the time when Mom totally freaked out with the pool net. Good times!)

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! Luckily the snake didn't drown.. Oh, and smooth move making the kids retrieve the net! Must remember that... ;-)

the ungourmet said...

I loved that you HUCKED the snake! ;0)

I think it would be fun if you shared your newly invented swear words. After all, aren't we all just a little bored with the old standbys???

Grand Pooba said...

Aaaaahhhh! I've got chills! I would die, seriously. That or faint first and then die and then be eaten by the snake.

You are so funny! Not that having a snake coming at you is funny, but the way you told it was just hillarious to say the least!

And sending the kids after the net? You're a perfect role model!

Susie said...

Nasty!!

faemom said...

If that snake was in my pool, that would be a dead snake.
You're braver than me.

Hit 40 said...

Definitely some giggles for me reading your post. LOL that you sent your children to retrieve the net. Did they know that there had been a snake attached to it??? Nice.

Nocturnal Queen said...

"what could go wrong?"

Famous last words.

Michelle said...

Oh my!

My nephew is terrified of snakes...terrified!

I guess you wont be babysitting him this summer then?

K said...

You definitely get a medal for that one.

And why does this stuff only happen with the husband is away? I think mine thinks I make stuff up to be melodramatic.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Important for you to move to a big concrete filled city right away!

Terra said...

This is a funny snake story. When we lived in a house with a pool and a pool skimmer, I never found a snake, I am happy to say.
I love almost all of God's critters (exception snails and gophers), and when I see a garden snake I just say hi and let them be.
One time when we lived on a country lane I walked down to my mailbox, opened it, and screamed. Some jokester had put a dead snake in the mailbox.
Snakes can be scarey if you aren't expecting them and horses agree with me. They will shy if they see one.

zelzee said...

I am sorry, but I would have been so out of there!!!!

In another state, preferably.

evenshine said...

You're my hero.

A Mom on Spin said...

Isn't that where neighbors come in???

blueviolet said...

I would have just announced that the pool was closed until further notice then waited for my husband to take care of it.

You are a brave woman.

Yaya said...

Hahahaha! And EEEWWWW!

Jen said...

thank you for telling this story, thank you. I so totally loved it!

Zeemaid said...

yup I've been green er blue with pool envy lately but I definitely have to say it's faded a little with the whole snake in the pool thing. yuck. I'd tell hubby he's not allowed to go away anymore!!

I feel for you. That's got to be awful. (and really funny, only cause it's not me)

Heidi said...

Ha! I don't get any snakes in my pool but there are a few in my yard. My Hus screams like a little girl when he comes upon one in the garden.
I caught a baby snake with barbecue tongs that was crawling across my living room floor! Thus around here I have been dubbed the snake whisperer.
I really don't like the worms that get into the pool in the spring. EWW.

Kathy B! said...

There's a recurring theme in the comments about asking for help or waiting for hubby to come home or just closing the pool... why didn't I chose one of those options?! Well, I'm obsessed with being a strong role model for my girls. Not just a good mom, but showing them that I can (as can they) handle the various mishaps that are thrown my way. If I put it off for DH, it feels as though I'm not doing that...

Ink said...

You are a strong role model all the time! :)

But maybe it's time to call a snake-wrangler...

Ink said...

I was just coming by to tell you that I'd be happy to help w/design and to recommend hot bliggity blog (I have a few more listed on my about page, if you're interested, since I'm constantly experimenting). BUT! Here you are, done all by yourself! (Roo would be so proud.) You rock! It looks really pretty!

Anonymous said...

You're lucky that thing didn't bite you!! Black snakes aren't venomous, but they are oh, so nasty when provoked/cornered/caught on a pool net. Consider yourself lucky.

Taylor said...

Wow, this story is awesome. You sound exactly like me; whenever I'm scared of anything I scream the throw it away from me. At least you've got the kids to help you out!

Helene said...

Yuck....eeeewwwww....I'm shivering as I read this. I'd have cursed like a sailor too. Heck I curse like a sailor when I see a tiny spider on the floor...I'd probably completely lose it if I saw a snake anywhere near my house!!

Yuck, yuck, yuck!!

ScoMan said...

All that stuff I said yesterday about admiring your closeness to nature.. I take it all back.

You can keep your nature and your snakes, I'll keep my flat with no grass or trees to speak of.

Michele said...

Smart idea about the skimmer pole! You are too clever for your own good.

I guess putting a screen in front of the skimmer kind of defeats the purpose of having a skimmer, doesn't it?

I probably would have also freaked out royally, but there are enough adolescent boys around here who would have LOVED to wrangle that snake for me (or for you). AND kept it as a pet.

Michele said...

P.S. - you are a better woman than I am. Those tiny frogs are also too much for me. But to my credit, I actually touched an earthworm briefly for the first time last summer!

Parenthood For Me said...

it creeps me out just thinking about it

JennyMac said...

This deserved the best blue cloud of profanity you could present. Snakes are ill. UGH. I saw a tiny garden snake once with my dog and behaved as if a Grizzly was chasing me. Snakes suck.

Gibby said...

"he wound himself rapidly around the handle and began worming his way towards me at lightning speed"

Oh. My. God. Talk about a freak-out!

passions and soapboxes said...

You've been playing......fun isn't it and I like the clouds. Very cool.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Thanks for giving me the heebee-jeebies!!! I would have called animal control or 911, for the heart attack & all.

happeegrrrl@yahoo.com said...

haven't checked in lately and you have been up to no good I see!!!

Watch out for those snakes!!

naptimewriting said...

You are awesome. That you tried valiantly once would be enough. Nope. After flinging her in the pool you could have left her there and chalked it up to a failed good deed. But you tried again. And, AND learned from the first try.
You. Rock.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I wrote this whole long comment and Google/Blogger kicked me out. crap. I can't remember what I wrote other than I hate snakes.

And that you need to stop being so descriptive when writing about such things! :-)

Suzy said...

Dear Dooshie MacCrumball, I can't scream for shit. Please teach me.

Once in NYC I was trying to get a dying moth out of a puddle he was drowning in. 10 minutes later the moth was free and the bus driver waiting to pull out said to me, "OHHHH, you were trying to SAVE him.

Janell said...

I love the visuals - I can totally imagine being there. I have to say I think you handled it better than I would have! Yikes!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Not sure that I would have fished the snake and net out of the pool, but I'd like to say...probably. And yes, I would have sent the kids into the woods to retrieve the net.

You crack me up! You are absolutely an awesome role model for your kids. You ROCK! :)

Kim said...

I will never again complain about having to drag the trash cans down the driveway when my husband is out of town. Picking snakes out of the pool is infinitely worse. Ack!

Bee and Rose said...

You brave soul! That snake would've been left to drown in my pool! I'm a total self preservationist!

Sandy said...

Good job, I know that was very difficult for you...but you did it!